I'm Bringing Sexy Back

This was before I joined Weight Watchers (last Tuesday) and quit smoking (also last Tuesday).  A full week on both.  And boy, am I grumpy!

And when I use a cute little term like "grumpy," rest assured that what I really mean is that I could deforest Alaska with my mood.

I should have posted this picture months ago, so I could see the low I had fallen to. When you pass out reading "King Leopold's Ghost" after eating 1/2 a box of Mike & Ike's, it is time for an intervention.

No, I think what did it for me, finally, was waking up and feeling like I'd inhaled knives overnight, and then getting winded just looking at the skin between my chin and where air should be.

In other news, we're probably going to list our house for sale soon.

In hopeful news, we'll pull some equity out because we got a steal, and since we bought so safely and STILL have enough money to eat out every night (see lack of graceful neck..above) we are going to throw some more of our money into a home where perhaps our next door neighbor doesn't blast an oldies rock station every weekend day, all day long.

In fact, as a tangent, I believe he recorded 10 solid hours of the radio one day and plays that constantly instead.  I could practically TELL you that Paint It Black is going to come right after Tom Sawyer.  Bet me if you think I'll be wrong.

It doesn't matter that we can't hear ourselves think in our tiny and spider-infested house, no, the music has to be loud enough for him to hear over his riding mower.  Yes, he plays music loud enough so he can hear it over the sound of a lawnmower.  And it has been two years without an assault from me, so generally, I think I've mellowed.  

But perhaps that would be okay, if not for the family that moved in during the nights last week and proceeded to throw two parties on both days of the weekend, where 8 cars came screaming down our lane and they burned meat for several hours straight, having conveniently placed their hibachi so that great plumes of charred meat smoke billowed past the back windows of our house.  

Cross your fingers and wish us luck.

Movie Star

I was once in a movie.
College Film.

I came across the link today, idly Googling everyone I've ever met, including myself.

Go HERE to see it. Download it, it may take a bit. It is a trailer for the film.

I make myself cringe.

And We're Off!

Going to California this weekend, to see our families.

Couldn't be better timing.

Nieces

Mothers

Fathers

GRANDMOTHERS!

Oh, the joy.

I had an appointment with a placement service this morning.

They said I'm overqualified for their standard level placements.

The guy said, and I QUOTE "You are going to be snapped up very quickly in the open market."

That felt nice.

Loved One

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you:  CLP

(unless she asks me to remove this picture)

And trust me, she is not the attendant in a ladies bathroom, as much as the tux and row of sinks may mislead you:

I post this to show you one of the people on my personal top 5 most beautiful people list.

Stuck Pig

I'm not as much now, but was spiraling.

Making myself indispensable now so that I really screw 'em when I go.

You will miss me when I'm gone.

Perma-smile.

My face aches.  My heart leaps and screams, several times a day.

Lunges against the bars of its cage, yelling and spitting.

You will miss me when I'm gone.

Or you won't, and you know what?  Fuck you.

There are millions of people that would miss me when I'm gone.

There are at least five.

So now, not spiraling, but still.  Exhausted.

Look at job postings and know I could do it, but do I want to?

I was never meant to be in business.  

I am arrogant.   Saw stupid people above me, doing things I could do.

So I did them.  So I stood in front of those who needed and said, you need ME.  

I can do this.

But what I always wanted to do was be whacked out, writing.

Writing from the very lining of my soul, writing when my mind left me and all I had was talent that came from nowhere and shocked me, words that thrilled me and a narrative voice that satisfied the very wild and dangerous soul of me.

I did all this, almost as if on a dare.

Never wanted to.  Never set out to. 

Just had the ability and so flexed it.  

So here I am, crossroads between should and want.

I want to choose a life that rewards me.  One that nourishes my soul and my fiercely competitive nature.  But means something in this world of financial statements and profit margins, things which I've never cared much about.  Take your FFO and ssssssmoke it.

It is about the purpose.

It used to be about the art.

I was a wondering, docile baby.

I was an awkward, curious kid.

I was a voracious reader, quiet, lost in my books, never spoke, never had friends.

I was an angry, stifled teenager.

I was a wild and recklessly daring young adult.  

I wanted.  I wanted.

I frightened people with it.   

I have been an intensely irritable adult.  

I missed something.

I listened when I should have ignored, I followed when I should have struck out alone.

If there is ever a time to make amends, this is it.

I finally listened to my heart and married the embodiment of my desires.

Now I have a man who lives like I've always wanted to, and yet I try to mold us both into a perception of what SHOULD BE.  Where we should be, what we should have.

I repeat to myself:  Choose life, take a chance, do it do it do it do it.

I drive to and from the thing I detest and I think:  Choose life, decide to be happy.  

Someone doesn't yield and I honk briefly, then forget about it.  

Stop being afraid.  Walk away from the money that comes with being unhappy and choose your own life.  

Do it.

Do it do it do it do it do it.

Waiting Game

I'm not a good chess player.

I don't strategize.

I've never been good at thinking ahead, making plans and setting players into precise locations, to be available for the next worst thing.

What I do well is react.

I am a strong personality, I land on my feet, usually.

If for some reason my landing is unsteady, I am quick study and very very soon acclimate to new climates and experiences.

Despite what many of you may think, either from my posts or from knowing me personally, I can withstand a lot.  I may seem overly testy, but I can bide time and make the best of matters with the best of them.

Better than the rest, actually.  My last eight years have proved that without a shadow of a doubt.

But now, it is time to leave.

And I'm terrified, and I'm discouraged, and I'm down.

And yet, I'm hopeful, confident, assertive and fairly pissed.

This last one struck down to the very iron of my being.

And to withstand and submit now would be impossible.

Full disclosure, I promise.  Soon.   I made a vow not to write about work, and I'll honor that, unless in the most oblique terms possible.

But hear ye this.  I'm done. 

I've flexed all I am capable of flexing.  I've had all I can stands.

I can't stands no more.

I am not your fall guy.  I will never be your fall guy again.

Salome's Mix

A few of you have asked for the names of the artists and songs on my mix tape. I purposefully didn't include these, so that you would be forced to listen to all of the songs, without prejudice.

So here they are, in order, but first!
A couple of shout-outs:

Julie! I hope you are recovering from your car accident and come back to us. Maybe Mars is in Venus? Or stuck dead-on into my heart, because the world is throwing curve balls at the moment. Get well soon.

Alex and Carlo - big congrats on the wedding date: 8808. Verra Nice.

Jonathon! Congrats on your new family, I'm delighted for you both, and for me as well, because your personal blog posts are even more rich and entertaining.
Here are the song titles:

1. Clumsy - Fergie
2. Umbrella - Rihanna
3. Crazy - Gnarls Barkley
4. Over and Over - Hot Chip
5. The Con - Tegan & Sara
6. Polythene Pam - The Beatles
7. Stronger than Me - Amy Winehouse
8. This is Everything - Tegan & Sara
9. Fidelity - Regina Spektor
10. Where Does the Good Go - Tegan & Sara
11. Myriad Harbour - The New Pornographers
12. Notice - Gomez
13. Between Love & Hate - The Strokes
14. Back to Black - Amy Winehouse
15. Dark Come Soon - Tegan and Sara
16. A Rush of Blood to the Head - Coldplay
17. Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard
18. Think Too Much(B) - Paul Simon
19. 9 Crimes - Damien Rice
20. Breathe Me - Sia

I'm back!

Hello, I'm back.

Did you miss me?

I went to Scotland for a week, and some of it was lovely, while most of it was awful.

No fault of the gorgeous Scottish countryside and folk, though.  

No, it was my folk that made it miserable.

I cried a bit, on the plane home, after lowering my defenses with many, too many glasses of wine.

Why did I cry?

Because that is the last time I'll see Scotland for a long time, unless I travel there myself.

More later, and full disclosure of what is going on will come in probably a few months.