Tuesday, September 30, 2008


Tonight at 5pm, our house sold.
Finally, this long excruciating stress is over.

In other news, I took my glucose test today and my sugar has been out of whack all night.
I feel sick and I'm sleepy and I nap and wake up with headaches.

Celebration has to wait until tomorrow.

But thank you god our house has sold.


Last night we couldn't find Leo.
He goes outside often, but always comes to the screen door to be let back in.
He usually comes when called.  Not quickly, but reliably.  

We called and called at 11:00pm and no answer.  No sight of him, even.  Usually when he is called, we can see him just beyond the fence, not wanting to come in yet, but allowing us to see that he is fine, and close.  

But nothing.
We called again at 12:00am and no answer.  No sign of him.

The Pope had to go to bed, but I stayed out in the living room, calling every 10 minutes until I went to bed at 2:00am.  I had trouble falling asleep, I was worrying.

I left the door open all night, hoping he would return.
Early this morning, the Pope opened the door to the garage to leave for his 7am dentist appointment.  

In comes Leo, protesting about the night spent in our hot, boxy garage.

His plaintive wail woke me immediately.  

The thought of this good boy being missing, or gone, devastated me.  

Welcome back, Leo!!  You will never know how much you would be missed if something happened to you, but I promise a lot of catnip tonight to make up for Dad locking you in the garage.  You know he didn't do it on purpose.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Oh God

The Pope and I had a 3D ultrasound done last night, so we have an idea of what the Pup looks like now, which is BEAUTIFUL.  I will scan and post soon.

They gave me a diaper bag courtesy of Similac, and inside was a bottle cool pack and some samples.  There is a sample for Aquaphor, for the "baby's sensitive skin," and a sample of Preparation H portable wipe, presumably for the mother's ripped apart butt.

God help me.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Will the Cats Love My Baby?

Or, equally as important, Will the Baby Love My Cats or Will I Need to Release the Baby into the Wild for Wolves to Raise?

I have had a couple of people comment about the cats, and whether I'd get rid of them if for some reason there was a problem with the baby and them, or comment that they'd be interested to see how much spoil the cats once the baby comes. It is something that I think about, so I thought I'd explain myself a bit.

If, when the baby is born, there is a problem with the cats, I will go to every length possible to sort out the issue. I will hire behavioral experts, I will read books, I will do everything I can. And then as a last resort I will keep them separated, and if that still doesn't work, I don't know what my heartbroken self will do.  

I have had Lucy since she was 2. She is now 10 years old, and she has been my best friend this whole time. There have been some hard time, some sad times, some times when I went to bed crying every night. For months. There were weekends I didn't leave my bed. There were nights where I drank so much wine, I collapsed sobbing at my computer, writing tortured poems full of self-loathing and shame. Throughout the whole thing, Lucy always cuddled up to me and purred loudly and slept right with me and always ran to see me when I got home, and spent all her time within five feet of me.

Even now, she is sitting at my feet while I type this. She is old now, and not so spry, and she sleeps more than she eats (which was a ratio I'd never thought I'd see). The thought of abandoning her in her senior years is appalling to me. I can't do it. She has given me everything she's had to give all this time. She has been steadfastly devoted to me since the moment I met her.

The way we spoil them, well that is simply routine at this point. I've given my cats wet food for dinner for at least 7 years now. It is as natural as pouring a glass of water for me. The Pope has done the litter for the last several years, so that will stay the same, and the only thing I can think that will change is the attention that they currently get. But as much as we know the baby will take everything, the cats don't actually ask for much. A lap, a leg when we're sleeping, and brushing once in a while if we feel like it. 

And they're our friends, our family members, they are as much a part of who we are as anything else I can think of.  

We have Comcast cable, which has this great feature called On Demand.  They have a pet channel, and I found a brief show called "How to Acclimate Your Cat to a New Baby."  I was extremely eager to watch this, and selected it.   To my surprise, it was about 4 minutes long.  It said that cats are pretty neutral about babies, for the most part, and as long as you make sure not to ignore the cat completely, they generally get along fine with the new addition to the family.  And that was it. 

Being that Lucy is one of the most constant and loving friends I've ever known,  I think we'll be fine.   

If not, I will change the baby's name to Romulus.   Regardless of sex.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Disgusting Pregnancy Facts

No one ever tells you that:

1. Pregnancy makes your underwear smell like a petting zoo.

2. Your numerous farts will be disproportionate to ANYTHING you could possibly have eaten. For example: I had an orange earlier today and for the next four hours I farted what had to have been gorgonzola-covered chili beans that sat in the backseat of my car for eight days in direct sunlight.

3. You will be unable to keep your eyes and hands off your own boobs.

4. That might just be me.

Attention All Television Producers


Friday, September 19, 2008


Found this fabulous thing here.

Thursday, September 18, 2008


Yesterday, the sale of our house was supposed to close.
Wait, no, this is not deja vu. This is not July. This is September, and it the SECOND of our house sales not to close.

For this particular sale, we lost approximately $21k of profit. We are giving the buyer the sweetest goddamn deal of the century here, all with FHA and Nehemiah programs. And still, this fucking bonehead has the audacity to accrue SIXTEEN THOUSAND dollars worth of debt in one month, bringing his personal debt to income ratio to an untenable (for FHA) standard.

This jerk is bringing NOTHING to the table. The Nehemiah program essentially pays his closing costs and downpayment, partially through FHA's reasonable terms, and partially through a generous donation from us, the absolutely screwed sellers who have lost $21k in two months in this sinking market.

But that still isn't good enough, and this idiot racks up even more debt due to "circumstances that couldn't be avoided."
Circumstances as in, you're just too irresponsible and stupid to survive a month with increasing your personal debt? I don't know.

So far, this deal is not dead. It is just......not happening yet. He needs to figure out a way to pay the debt at closing. He is apparently "trying" to do so. Our agent is "trying to find out what can be done to make this deal happen." I have tried very hard to make it clear, but am willing to spell it out exactly, that that only way more money will be given to this deadbeat is from the broker's commissions, I ABSOLUTELY WILL CUT OFF MY GODDAMN NOSE TO SPITE MY FACE.

I will not offer any more of our meager profit to this imbecile.

So, welcome to an active home sale in this market. I have bought two homes now. One a condo and one a house. Both times I was on time with my shit together at closing. No transaction has ever been delayed because of me.

What is the point of being financially responsible anymore? Miscreants and idiots are kings in this housing downturn.

I will be delighted not to own anything anymore. I sincerely hope that day is on the near horizon.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Is It Just Me?

Or do you think that in every picture of Katie Holmes, she appears as if she is lurching about in her ugly designer shoes, and appears significantly uncomfortable in avant garde designs and fashions that do not flatter her and despite her best efforts refuse to start trends?

These latest series of jeans photos that have hit Just Jared and Perez Hilton are atrocious. I've never considered Katie Holmes as anything other than a mildly interesting up and coming star. Which disappeared, of course, when she married Tom Cruise and pledged her love to Xenu. Now she is annoyingly thrust into center stage, when she has never been captivating enough to hold the attention of audiences on her own.

I just gathered the plates from the cats' latest wet food encounter. They get wet food every night, because I'm a sucker. They don't get the same wet food two nights in a row. I know what they like and I buy what they like. I know, I know. But they're my babies!!!!! Whatever little thing I can do to make them happy, you know.....

So anyway, they had flaked tuna last night. I picked up the plates this morning and they have backbones in them!!! The cats licked all the meat from the bones, and there are distinct backbones and other bony remnants in the dish. Gross! Out of all the things I feed them, I have to say I hate the fish ones the most. They stink up everything, especially the trash (the old can) and the dishwasher (the plates until I rinse them). Barf.

The only worse thing was when Finny was a kitten and lamb made him fart. THAT was unpleasant, to say the least.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Don't You Wish

That a side effect of heartburn would be to actually breathe flames?

I wouldn't mind it so much then.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Forecast: Annoyance

Note to CNN, MSNBC, and all the television news storms: Not every goddamn storm needs to be the top story. I realize that no one wants to drop the ball, Katrina-style again, but honestly. Do we need every website to scream that there's a potential disaster behind every tropical storm? Its going to be a long season.

I'm also calling out to all the media everywhere, STOP. You're waay too caught up in your own perceived importance. You believe you're critical so that we get every nuance of every comment ever spoken. This latest Obama-Lipsticked-Pig brouhaha is a completely manufactured shitstorm. Sometimes, folks, an analogy is just an analogy.

The cats are hungry, but babies, you're going to have to wait. Mama's on a roll.

I am also incredibly disgusted by the property manager of our house. He's a complete tool. I've not spoken of this much, since this blog is read by mostly close friends who knew this, but at the time I quit my job I had been managing over half a million square feet of biotech laboratory space. I had been managing this much space for over four years. My portfolio had an annual income of $21M. I was constantly overworked, it was some of the most incredible stress I've ever experienced, and every day brought an avalanche of new issues and challenges. Yet still, I ran circles around the rinky dink property manager who manages our home. He talks a good game, but never responds to any request, and has a litany of excuses as to why he doesn't return phone calls or come by to make repairs. I am seriously thinking about starting my own residential property management firm once the baby is born, because if it is this easy to charge this much for a house, I would be rich in a year.

But I digress (and yes babies, I'm coming, just one more second)....

I am absolutely horrified by the state of America's intelligence today. I have been performing an in-depth study of human evolution over the last two weeks by watching every People's Court iteration on television. And I've come to the conclusion that the rate by which America's intelligence is decreasing is alarming. I'm having tshirts made, and as soon as they are done I'm starting a revolution. If you would like to join my revolution against stupid people, you will be asked to sign something, because that is the most common thread (aside from appalling grammar) that I am seeing in our decline.

What is refreshing is that some of the judges, Judge Judy, Judge Marilyn Milian (who I love) and Judge Joe Brown, are as disgusted by today's idiocy as I am. You can see it in their derisive comments. Judge Judy doesn't play games, she called a woman an idiot this morning. I agreed with her wholeheartedly. I plan on recruiting them shortly.

Okay, they're circling me like hawks now, I'm on call for wet cat food supply. Gutentag.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

I Should Have Been A Model

I was watching project runway last night thinking that being a model would be so cool. Not for the clothes or never eating, or the coke addiction or any of that fun stuff, but for the simple fact that every time you do your job someone brushes your hair first.

I love having my hair brushed, it is probably the single thing I enjoy the most in the whole world. Except perhaps for falling asleep or watching Lucy sleep in a patch of sunlight.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008


Sarah Palin's a real bitch.

And the Republicans apparently don't care about uplifting the country, they only care about attacking people.
And if I hear one more thing about McCain's POW experiences, I'm gonna barf.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Stop Now, Media, You Need to Stop Now!!

After the initial shock that was Gov. Sarah Palin's appointment as the VP candidate for John McCain, the media is out in full force, speculating that she pretended to give birth to her 5th child, Trig, in order to assume the child of her teenage daughter. Now the news that her daughter Bristol is indeed pregnant at the age of 17 is being vultured by the assorted media, along with the reports of her husband's DWI. I am appalled by today's media. It has long past reached a crescendo of absurdity. No one has a private life anymore, no one is judged on the basis of their political activities only. I'm sick of it!

If Sarah Palin pretended to give birth to her first grandchild, so be it. They made that decision as a family, and we should respect it. If true, it isn't the first time this has happened in the world, and save this young girl and her mother the nitpicking into it. Judge Sarah Palin on her statements, on her political record, and on her merits alone.

I couldn't watch the Democratic National Convention. The media commentary was unbearable. Same with the Olympics, the announcers would NOT shut up during the events, so that the television audience could barely concentrate on watching these athletes perform. What has happened to media everywhere is an abomination. We are left no room to speculate on our own, we need quasi-qualified announcers to shove their every inane thought down our throats until there is no room left in our heads for our own opinions and thoughts.

I could go on and on, and I might just do that, but my blood boils now.