Thursday, July 13, 2006

This is why I don't exercise

I just returned from a most unsuccessful attempt at rollerblading. A MOST unsuccessful attempt.

First, my rollerblades are laced too tight, which means that I now have cankles, upon all other body dysmorphic-inducing issues I am currently struggling with. I didn't realize how "too tight" they were until I was up and rolling, and I decided it was due to lack of use, not due to lack of thin-ness in the ankle area. I was wrong.

Second, it has been raining on and off all day, and my wheels kept slipping on the damp concrete. Enough said.

Third, and this one is the most important: we live in an area surrounded by little hills. Little STEEP hills. More than 5 times on my approximately 10 minute ride I found myself careening down a hill that only increased in pitch, causing me no end of hysteria. The hill that did me in was luckily surrounded by flat grass, blessedly grass that went all the way to the street. I realized on this last one that I was in serious danger of serious danger and guided over to the edge of the street, intending to throw myself into the grass to stop my fall.

Well, I stopped my fall so well I think my brain flew out my eyes. I also smacked myself in the nose so hard that I was sure it was bleeding. I knocked the wind out of myself, gave myself a nasty raspberry on my knee and an immediate and intense headache. I am sitting here realizing that I feel like you feel after a minor car accident, whiplash and all. Tomorrow should be interesting.

I bounced up off the grass, lest anyone be enjoying themselves too much inside one of the houses, and carefully made my way back home. I am sitting with a bourbon and wondering if I should go back there and pick up the pieces of my brain.

I'll have to look carefully, though, amidst all those itsy bits of pride.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006


So, I'm supposed to be doing yoga right now.
That was my plan, come home, check. Stop by library? Okay, unplanned, but worthwhile, check. Got a phone message from my parents saying, "Call us back when you get home," so called them, check. Neighbor stops by, talked to him for a bit, check. Got him to leave, because the Pope has requested that I don't hang out with him alone, by saying I have to do YOGA, so, check. Then I stopped by the computer to check work email. No new emails since 5:11pm, so, check. Then I leisurely surfed the internet for an absorbing one hour, uh......check?

Now I'm really supposed to be doing yoga so that I can be fabulous in my wedding dress, but instead I am sitting here with a glass of red wine and blogging. Procrastination? CHECK.

I hate these days that the Pope works late. He hates them worse, but I feel adrift and lonely in my own house. I am surrounded by cats, who are on the shitlist, but all they want to do is BE everywhere that I don't want them. Leo curls up on the Pope's lap, and the Pope is so used to it that he can do almost anything avec chat. Lucy just stands in front of the monitor and bitches at me. You have to meet her to know it. She is so accusatory all the time. Love me right now and in the way that I want it. Right now, despite your procrastinating plans! RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE.

The cats are on the shitlist because they don't behave like civilized creatures. By civilized, I mean they don't behave the way humans would, or at least the way humans I'd like to live with live.
I bent down today and idly picked up a piece of black fuzz only to find it was a tiny piece of cat poop flattened out to look like fuzz. Bare hands and all. I have made this revolting mistake so many times in my cat parenting life that I don't even squeal anymore. I just sigh, throw it in the toilet and flush it down, and then wash my hands a hundred times. Hot water.

The poop fuzz isn't nearly as bad as moving a cat toy off of the floor heating-grate only to find it is a long dead shrew (a type of rodent-thing only smaller and freakier looking) that had lost its life in some sick battle when the heat was actually on. Again, bare hands, because I obviously can't learn my lesson.

Listen, this whole diet-like-mad-six-weeks-before-the-wedding thing isn't going to work. I'm going to be as fat as I am now, only slightly more toned, but I guarantee I will be infinitely bitchier because I haven't permitted myself to eat a Choco-Pie at work or even have my beloved half-n-half with my coffee. Our 2% milk just turns my morning coffee GRAY and makes it taste gray, too. I have a box of popsicles in the freezer that I won't eat for crying out loud. I truly love popsicles. I do. I can't help it.

Now I feel tremendously guilty, because the only way that anything works is if you actually do it, so I'm going to drain this glass of wine, put on my workout clothes, rock back the coffee table and get yogi with it. I think a bit of lubrication can only help with some of the more ridiculous poses. Like the one where you balance all your weight on your pinky toe and the palm of one hand. Yeah, that's my favorite.

p.s. Really good wine that you can't tell the difference on actually becomes fabulous when you let it skunk itself. This is good stuff. It means I can buy the cheap stuff and drink new and won't know the difference! Woo.