Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Oh, and FYI

Dear Lady Vesuvius Ass,

It is officially official. You need to see a doctor. Also, please look under the dictionary under thoughtless, disgusting pig. You will find a picture of yourself there, snapped next to the horrifying sight of the toilet after you've visited.

You are a cretin,


Dear Sears,

HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Take that you bitches! One year old fridge issue is that THE COMPRESSOR is broken, and I DO read the manuals, so that would be covered under the 5 year warranty for sealed components, HMMM???????

Thank You Mr. Nice Repairman Who Knew When The Jig Was Up,



Salome: What do you think the problem is?
Repairman: Oh it is definitely the compressor. You can tell by the way it whines and clicks on and off, futilely.
Salome: You don't say.....Is that what you're officially diagnosing the problem as?
Repairman: Yes. Absolutely. I'm just ordering the parts necessary.
Salome: That would be covered under the 5 year sealed warranty outlined on page 6 of the manual, right?
Repairman: It depends. You have to read those carefully, because they are worded oddly, and unless it specifically called out exactly that the compressor is covered, it isn't covered.
Salome: Read this with me, then. "blah de blah blah, including refrigerant lines, condenser unit and compressor, no charge."
Repairman: Well, again it depends on the wording.
Salome: Seems clear to me.
Repairman: (looks up at me, sighs) Yes. It is fully covered by the 5 year full warranty.
Salome: Glad we agree. See you in two weeks with the parts necessary.

Hiya Titles!

Titles are back, but I am off again.
Work thing on the East Coast until Friday night. Back Sat and Sun and then off again on Monday until Thursday the 1st.
I am tired of traveling, but on these short weeks between travels, too geared up to go again so nothing is accomplished.

What's gnu with Salome? Funny you should ask that.
I tried out new eyeliner yesterday. In addition to being a really gross color, I think I'm allergic.
Lucky for all you Salome fans, I'm also lazy, so I can regale you with what happens when you buy eyeliner that you're allergic to, and fall asleep while reading your Mary, Queen of Scots biography without washing your face.

You look like you have pink eye all the next day. Thank you, everyone I work with, for freaking me out and sending me rushing to Google every known symptom of pink eye.

I do not have pink eye. I have what can best be described as Idiot Eye, for all the reasons I outline above.
I am taking workout clothes, because the hotel has a gym and I have got some astounding amounts of fat.

I'm harumphy lately. I know a couple of you have emailed asking for dates to visit and things, but I'm funk-ified at the moment. Don't feel like talking, can't be cheery, must just stew in my own disaffected affluvial.

Catch me when I'm back but it might help you to know that I am moving in the "spring." However intangible that may seem. HSMP Application hasn't gone out yet, so it could be early summer. Heck, it could be never. I don't care.

And with that, boys and girls, I'm off to finish packing for this work trip and to read about Mary Queen of Scots. I also need to rest my burning eyes.

Did I mention that Lucy snugged up into my armpit also last night? And even though I slightly had to pee and she released a hailstorm of loosened hairs directly up under my eyelid, I was far too lazy to get up and do anything about it.

Idiot Eye, bestill my burning cornea.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

You Are a Werewolf

You're unpredictable, moody, and downright freaky.
You seem sweet and harmless, until you snap. Then you're a total monster.
Very few people can predict if you're going to be Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde.
But for you, all your transformations seem perfectly natural.

Your greatest power: Your ability to tap into nature

Your greatest weakness: Lack of self control

You play well with: Vampires

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

All of A Sudden.....

  • No Blog Title Area is Visible. WTF?
  • Refrigerator is warm, though it appears to be blowing cold air. Good thing I bought the yogurt that was on sale tonight. Love it.

Dear Woman in the Restroom Who Blew Ass All Over The Toilet Seat:

Honey, you need to see a doctor. Or, at the very least, do not order that for lunch again.
In the meantime, you are a foul pig for not even attempting to clean that up.

Thank you for ruining my afternoon,


Monday, October 15, 2007

Welcome Back To Me!

Hello. I am back. I just returned late last night. I had a great trip, great business trip and excellent, awesome sight-seeing tour with my mother of my soon-to-be new home city.

But let's just jump right in, shall we?

Dear People On Planes:

Seatmate: I'm trying to watch the goddamn movie. That means shut your goddamn window blind. In the short time that I've been watching the Harry Potter movie, you have flipped up the window blind no fewer than 5 times. This is on my second flight of the day, which means I'm already 7 hours in to rude plane behavior. You'll understand if I am a little irritated by, well, EVERYONE. Thank you for your consideration, and if I may? What you will see the next time you flip the window shade up will be the same goddamn thing you saw the last six times, which is, a bunch of white clouds and piercing, eye-burning sunshine. Because it is daylight, madam, and we're too far above the weather to see anything. By the flight-tracker at the moment, we are somewhere in the vicinity of Armpit, Midwest, USA. I think the sunlight and fluffy white clouds are the best this area has to offer. Please don't flip the shade up again, I'm feeling slightly murderous.

People across the aisle: Window-seat Husband. See previous note for what you can expect to see when you flip the shade up. Except that if you do it tandem with my seatmate again, I'm going to fly out of my seat and punch you. That might be interesting to you. But of course, you might not even notice, seeing as how you and your wife have been screaming at each other over the sound of your headphones for the last three hours. We have two more hours to go, and then it will be a full 14 hours that I've been dealing with rude people who have no class. Please don't become an air-rage statistic, sir. I can only take so much.

Dear wife across the aisle: Thank you! Thank you so much for jamming your suitcase into my backpack, over and over and over again, as you removed your newspaper, replaced it, removed it again and replaced it, all this time above my head because you're a pig who uses more than your fair share of overhead compartments. You are lucky that the specialty whiskey tasting glass I'm smuggling home to my husband is safely in my purse at my feet. Had you broken that glass, there would have been fisticuffs. You may have 20 pounds and a foot on me, but I have the heart of a lion, and it hasn't been fed in years.

I mean what I say,


Dear Edinburgh, Scotland:

You are so lovely. So lovely. Your city is breathtaking, and your history is something I am so proud of, not being from here notwithstanding. Your inhabitants are lovely people, so kind and so friendly, and your city has so much to offer. Thank you for making me feel so welcome, and for the lovely time you have shown my mother, who is more dear to me than I could possibly say. She loved you, and I loved you the more for it. If you weren't so expensive, I'd be thoroughly and completely charmed. As it is, you are very expensive, so I am only thoroughly charmed. Please lower your prices so you can win my heart with no restrictions.

I'll do my best to negotiate a substantial raise,


Things I did with my mother on this trip:
  • Saw the Edinburgh Castle: This is the second time I've done this. It is enough. All future guests to Edinburgh will have to do this on their own. Though I will say that David's Tower is a place I cannot go. I walk into these areas and my chest closes up and I panic. Ghosts or claustrophobia, I don't know. I've walked some castles in my life, and have never been affected by a place like I am right at these spots.
  • Saw the Holyrood Palace - royal residence and former home of Mary Queen of Scots. Awesome tour, richly restored. Fascinating, highly recommended.
  • Ate Haggis. Ohmygod. My mother had the real thing, I ate the vegetarian version. I did take a bite of hers, though, and the texture and phlegmy aftertaste is something I will try my damndest to forget.
  • Shopped. My tiny mother is a size fourteen in the UK. (She wears a 10 in the US and is taller than I am - I'm 5'8"). I have thusly decided to abstain from any caloric intake for the rest of my natural born life. I believe I would be a 50 in UK sizing. That coupled with the fact that I am a shoe size 8 in UK (the largest they go, ladies and gentlemen!), which loosely translates to a 10 in the US, makes me just want to curl up and cry. And when I say loosely translates, I mean that they don't fit exactly right, which is disheartening, because I love shoes more than life itself.
  • Took a very expensive taxi ride (but so incredibly worth it - the taxi drivers in Scotland are the greatest people, excellent sources of information and a great chat) to the Roslyn Chapel in Roslin, Midlothian, Scotland. Dan Brown has Roslyn playing a crucial part in the Da Vinci Code, which for all its detractors, was a fascinating (if not terribly well written) yarn. The chapel is absolutely breathtaking. My mother and I were transfixed by the carvings, which cover nearly every surface of the chapel, and contain significant meanings. The taxi driver told us that most people spend about 15-20 minutes in Roslyn Chapel. My mom and I spent time in the Chapel, read all the signs. I lit a candle as a hello and I love you to my Grandpa, and my mom wrote a prayer request for Lauren, and we walked into the crypt and then counted the stairs on the way back up. We kept walking over to each other and exclaiming about things. We were both so incredibly overcome by this chapel. If you have not seen it, you should. You must. I've seen some incredible churches, grand and fine, and I've never seen anything that is so arresting and affecting. We spent 45 minutes in the chapel, and both of us walked out promising to come back and spend hours. (when we don't have a taxi waiting for us, hmm?)
That is all for now. Can't give you everything at one time, what would you come back for?

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Why I'm not here....

I'm actually in Edinburgh, waiting for my mother to arrive so we can sightsee what will by my new home in a few months' time.

I have been working, so no posts, but now I will be enjoying time with my mom, so again, no posts, but I will leave you with these airport musings:


The main thing you notice is that cellphones are a pandemic.
Not content to have their silly conversations at home, all manner of idiots are discussing the intricacies of their lives as if the matter was the most urgent at hand.

I can’t tell you how many times I have been on a landed flight only to have 5 people whip out cellphones so that they can call their friends and begin the most inane chatter.

Typically to say, I’m here. But then they keep talking and you realize that they are not calling their ride, or someone who is expecting them here, where they’ve just landed, but rather someone they have presumably just left, after all kinds of mindless chatter in person.

It is maddening. Somewhat more tolerable, but only just, are the people whose business is so important that they cannot be away from their cellphones, and then they persist in talking extremely loudly, a trait I’ve always found to be suspicious, as if they were trying to PROVE importance, rather than just embody it.

I’m listening to a woman talking about how long it should take her to get through baggage claim. A valid conversation, to be sure, but not one that needs to take 40 minutes of straight hypothesizing. Am I right?

-continental first class lounge – Newark, NJ

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Dear Man in the Huge White Truck:

You'll have to forgive me, sir, for the laughing. I have been inching my way towards the exit of this shopping mall for approximately 45 minutes. And I didn't even shop here! I just drove in, couldn't find a parking stall, and then waited an additional 20 minutes while a kindly gentleman in front of me decided to be the fucking Moses of the parking lot, waving benevolently at everyone trying to get in front of him, and then he finally drove on, so now I'm behind him and all his peoples. I have had an excellent time sitting here as my blood pressure skyrockets and everyone around me freaks out. I have had ample time to notice that just as soon as I got one car away from the exit, you turned on your car, pulled out of your spot, and put your blinker on for me to let you in. And I'm laughing. I'm laughing at the temerity, at the arrogance, and frankly, at the astounding stupidity. I'm not letting you in, sir. Not if my life depended on it. Not if you were suffering from acute appendicitis. You will have to go to the back of the line and near cardiac arrest yourself. But I thank you, for the joy and the humor you put into this appalling situation.

Good Luck With That,


Dear Moses of the Parking Lot,

You're such an asshole. Everyone you're letting in loves you, but as for myself and the 13 cars behind me? We're memorizing your license plate so we can look you up later and come over and flatten all your tires. If you let one more person cut in front of you, I'm going to put my car in park, get out, walk over to your car and pull you out of it, then drive forward on your behalf like you should have done 20 cars ago. And I think that I will then be heralded as a hero of unexpected proportions. They might even name this parking lot after me.

Courtesy in the parking lot makes everything worse,


Dear Young Man with Downs Syndrome at Fred Meyer Today,

You are the most darling. Ever. Holding the dancing skeleton that plays popular music, the joy on your face lit up the entire store. I heard you before I got up to you, and instinctively smiled. When I walked up, you were singing along, and when the skeleton's head jumped down into its hands, you whooped with laughter. You just about sewed wings on my heart with that one. You looked right at me and your face nearly split double with your smile. My heart then flew right over to you and kissed you on the cheek. I smiled back 'atcha, as big as I could, and then walked on. When I returned that way, you were sitting down in a different aisle, bouncing a rubber bat on an elastic string. You were saying, "Boing, Boing, Boing" as the bat jumped up and down. In a world full of busy, mean things, you are a delight to me.

You make the world a much, much better place,


Thursday, October 04, 2007

Getting There!

Yesterday I got home and put on my work-out clothes, grabbed some dry cleaning and went towards the gym.
I never made it to the gym, but I did get the dry cleaning in for a Saturday pickup.

TODAY, however, I put the workout clothes on, drove straight to the gym and did cardio for 25 minutes.
Getting there! A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

I did situps in front of the mirror until a trainer came by and kept staring at me, making me self conscious that he thought I wasn't doing them right. I'm probably not, but let me get there on my own, okay?

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Stupid Things I Do

Have you ever:

1. Asked Windows to remember a password, but then accidentally type the wrong password, so that Windows remembers the wrong one all the time and you get frustrated and are all, DAMMIT, everytime you hit enter because you forget?

2. Decide that TODAY is the day you are going to finally break out that Yoga flipchart you bought at Costco 7 years ago which you've never used and then you get it out and it won't stand up right, and every flipchart requires reading and some serious page hopping because of the awful way it is laid out and so then you get really frustrated and go pour a glass of wine because honestly, the Universe wants me to be fat?

3. See the LED screen telling you there's an accident ahead but don't see any traffic, everything seems normal, and then you round that one strip where it is a mile of no exits until your stop and then everything slows to the pace of snail and you sit and go DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT and it is precisely at this time that NPR decides to not come in all the way, but there's a story you want to hear and so you're all stuck in traffic with a lot of static and all you can think about is that you should have taken the other exit you dumbass, and now this is all your fault? And when you finally get to your exit after almost an hour someone stops dead in your lane because they think they need to get to the left even though both lanes have a left turn allowed and you're all apoplectic in your car screaming, NO NEED, NO NEED, AAAAAH, NO NEED. And they never hear you doing this so finally, in desperation of a heart attack you lay down on your horn and when they turn around all pissy you mouth the words, "GO GODDAMNIT" and give them another long blast of the horn for emphasis?

4. Decide to hit snooze and then you hit it again, and sometimes the 7 minutes feels like an hour and sometimes it feels like 15 seconds and always at the wrong end of your need and then sometimes you hit it so many times that the alarm clock gives up and stops ringing the buzzer and then you wake up at 9:50am and are all, OHMYGOD, and you don't wash your hair which is a new haircut, which almost always requires some training in the beginning and you spend the rest of the day self-conscious about it.
You cannot fluff greasy muppet hair. It won't be done.

5. Cook something that you think you have all the ingredients to, but it turns out you lack every single spice required, because you only have the fixings for pumpkin pie and only then because you didn't have them last year and you don't think Chicken, black beans and allspice sounds all that good, so you dump a lot of salsa into it and then an entire bag of shredded cheese and it is so good your tongue almost drowns and then somehow all of your tupperware has disappeared even though you just dumped out all the rotten stuff this weekend and should have freed up a bunch of them, but then you remember that a couple of them were so gross you threw the whole thing out because you'd pay $5.99 several times over not to have to eat anything out of this container again because you will NEVER FORGET the godawful sight of what happens to tuna salad when it sits in your refrigerator for close to a year, and there is a lot of your new dish left and so you pack it into three containers that actually have lids but there is still more left, so even though you're full, you stand over the dish and hork it down, because ohmygod the tonuge is drowning ovah heah and then you feel full and gross and you're probably never going to eat it again?

6. Get a comment about your drawings and think, I HAVE TONS! Well, not really tons, I was always a doodler, but most went the way of the rest of my college mementos, which is to say, who knows. But here's another from the sketch book:

p.s. Julie, Hiya and thanks for stopping by all the time! I'm delighted and have bookmarked your site, too!

Monday, October 01, 2007

Covers Of My Journals

I used to trick out cheap notebooks with pictures, and they became my poetry journals.
I used to perform my pieces at open-mics, so on the back of these, I have a small piece of tape that lists how many in each journal are "performable."

DelBacon Book: 65 performable poems

Nothing Left To Lose: 4 performable poems in a full book. They're mostly pretty awful.
Sketchbook Sketch - 10 performable poems, lots of drawings.