Saturday, October 06, 2007

Dear Man in the Huge White Truck:

You'll have to forgive me, sir, for the laughing. I have been inching my way towards the exit of this shopping mall for approximately 45 minutes. And I didn't even shop here! I just drove in, couldn't find a parking stall, and then waited an additional 20 minutes while a kindly gentleman in front of me decided to be the fucking Moses of the parking lot, waving benevolently at everyone trying to get in front of him, and then he finally drove on, so now I'm behind him and all his peoples. I have had an excellent time sitting here as my blood pressure skyrockets and everyone around me freaks out. I have had ample time to notice that just as soon as I got one car away from the exit, you turned on your car, pulled out of your spot, and put your blinker on for me to let you in. And I'm laughing. I'm laughing at the temerity, at the arrogance, and frankly, at the astounding stupidity. I'm not letting you in, sir. Not if my life depended on it. Not if you were suffering from acute appendicitis. You will have to go to the back of the line and near cardiac arrest yourself. But I thank you, for the joy and the humor you put into this appalling situation.

Good Luck With That,


Dear Moses of the Parking Lot,

You're such an asshole. Everyone you're letting in loves you, but as for myself and the 13 cars behind me? We're memorizing your license plate so we can look you up later and come over and flatten all your tires. If you let one more person cut in front of you, I'm going to put my car in park, get out, walk over to your car and pull you out of it, then drive forward on your behalf like you should have done 20 cars ago. And I think that I will then be heralded as a hero of unexpected proportions. They might even name this parking lot after me.

Courtesy in the parking lot makes everything worse,


Dear Young Man with Downs Syndrome at Fred Meyer Today,

You are the most darling. Ever. Holding the dancing skeleton that plays popular music, the joy on your face lit up the entire store. I heard you before I got up to you, and instinctively smiled. When I walked up, you were singing along, and when the skeleton's head jumped down into its hands, you whooped with laughter. You just about sewed wings on my heart with that one. You looked right at me and your face nearly split double with your smile. My heart then flew right over to you and kissed you on the cheek. I smiled back 'atcha, as big as I could, and then walked on. When I returned that way, you were sitting down in a different aisle, bouncing a rubber bat on an elastic string. You were saying, "Boing, Boing, Boing" as the bat jumped up and down. In a world full of busy, mean things, you are a delight to me.

You make the world a much, much better place,


1 comment:

Jonathan said...

I love both sides of this post.

I remember many, many years ago some old fart didn't pull away when my Dad left room for him, and my Dad exploded in a string of expletives at him.

Thankfully I seem to be of the silent "do things to people in my head" majority who remain calm on the surface.

I love spending time with young children for the same reasons you smiled with the handicapped guy - and I always hope they will come out with one of their obvious truths :)