I believe I've been suffering from Ongoing-Traumatic-Stress Disorder.
You see, I quit my high paying job in July of last year partly because I was pissed at how they treated me, partly because the high-stress, high-smoking and high-drinking lifestyle wasn't conducive to the tiny pup in my belly and partly because I grew up in a wild and loving huge family and wanted the same for my incoming baby.
So we moved, at GREAT personal cost. We lost so much money, people. Hemorrhaged it. I lost more money that you might actually have at your fingertips, and I don't mean to be condescending, I just need you to know how much money we'd saved, how many stocks we cashed out, and just exactly how hard this move was for us. And then my husband lost his job. And then my severance ran out. And then my parents gave us money. And then we were slowly ticking that away.
I would lie in bed at night and there would be actual physical pain, a neck ache, muscle pains like I'd been in a car accident. My heart would race and my chest would constrict. Maybe this is a panic attack? I'm not dying. I'm just losing. I'm losing and I'm a loser and I forced my husband to move like this and I ruined our lives and we have this beautiful baby and I'm going to ruin her life by my selfish choices and we have lost everything. We lost everything.
But a funny thing happened on the way to the poorhouse. I got my husband back. I got my marriage back. I was gifted with this incredible daughter, and I got to spend five months with her, and it wasn't hard to forget about my life stress while she was awake. Because the joy of this little girl supercedes everything else I've been feeling. And watching my sensitive, articulate husband giggle and smile and play with this little girl, and father her with such love and joy? Oh my god. If I didn't love this man before, I LOVE THIS MAN NOW.
I'm saying all of this now because I have a job. I was offered a really high paying job, in San Francisco, where we both want to live, doing something that I'm interested in, without all the high stress of my previous occupation. And I took it.
I'll be in San Francisco by June 8th. I hope that my husband and daughter are not far behind.
The thought of being without my daughter for even one night is heartbreaking to me, because I live and breathe to see her happy. But she's got a dad who knows all the tricks, bells and whistles, and teaches me new things about her each day.
And I think..... What a lucky little girl, that her dad and mom were there for her every day of her life for the first five months. What a lucky wife, with a partner like this. What a lucky, lucky, lucky blessed family we are. We had a life lesson that didn't break us. Just taught us something really important that we needed to know.
I hope to write more. I've been unable to be very cheerful, and unable to be very snarky, lately. I've been in an extraordinary rut, and I've been unable to do anything except stupid my pain away. And I don't want this to be a blog about motherhood, because there are better ones for you to read than me.
Besides which, my aunt told me I should write a book about motherhood (I send home pictures of my daughter daily to my Ohio family) and I am. I am writing the guide to motherhood fueled with margaritas and a really kick-ass husband. I could do nothing without my husband. He thinks I could, and I think he's wrong, but for a compromise let's just say I'd rather not do anything without him by my side.
