Letters July 2007

Dear Tough-Looking Older Gentleman with the Tats Walking the Small, White Poodle:

Awwwww. One look at you and I knew that was your wife's dog.
His little sparkled collar goes great with the big anchor tattoo on your forearm.
I was fully prepared to drive by you, wave and have you smirk with embarrassment while hacking out a lungful, just to prove your testosterone, when you did the most surprising thing: You didn't see me wave because you were watching this tiny white poodle with so much affection and love that your attention was decidedly elsewhere.
So I think this: That is your wife's dog, but you love it more than she does.

Keep on Rocking In the Free World,

Salome

Dear People Who Schedule Conference Calls at 7:00am in the morning Pacific Standard Time:

Huh? Whaaaa? (clears throat) (chokes down night hack) (gulps coffee) (squeaks out a "YES" or "No" as appropriate).
Sorry about that. I gave it my all. And that wasn't a lot.

ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz,

Salome

DEAR CRAZY CAMPER GUY WHO THREATENED MY SECURITY GUARDS WITH THE PROMISE OF A GUN BECAUSE YOUR PARKING PERMIT IS EXPIRED:

Your daughter may work at Hooters, but I assure you my security officers are not perverts. They may be overzealous, yes, because I never asked them to monitor the parking tags of a lot licensed to a parking company, but they are not perverts.
And when you showed up at my site 10 minutes after I had gone home, drunk and threatening to bring a gun to "do the job" to my security officer?

YOU ARE LUCKY I WAS NOT THERE. I would have kicked your ass back to the trailer park you lousy piece of shit.
My security officer tried to talk you down, because he is a gentleman and gives everyone the benefit of the doubt (not the best thing in a security guard tasked with protecting the site from batshit insane people like you) but when you asked him to call the property manager and he refused, saying you could sober up and see her tomorrow? He was doing you a favor. Because when I found out about this tonight I got your parking permit revoked and put out an APB on your sorry ass. If you show up when the guards are there they will call 911. If you show up when I am there I will bust your ass personally. For my guards and for all the times I've been annoyed and had to suck it up.

I will call the cops only after I have verbally assaulted you within an inch of YOUR life, you lowlife, drunk-ass scum.

You're a filthy, lousy degenerate,
Salome

Dear People Who Weren't Home Whose House We Set on Fire with Fireworks But Quickly Put Out:

Whew. Was THAT ever exciting. You should buy that neighbor dinner, because he scrambled up onto your roof faster than a howler monkey after (whatever howler monkeys really like and will chase). And MY FRIEND, Gaia, ran so fast I think her 10 month pregnant belly was left in her yard. (her hips hurt today, poor, darling lovely friend).

We are so sorry about your house. No confirmation it was us, but it probably was. What are you doing being out of town on the 4th of July in a city where fireworks are legal with that old cedar shingle roof? I think you should hold yourself responsible. If you ever want to kill a great fireworks show, set a house on fire.

The fire was put out, not much damage, no one was hurt and I've never seen two 15 year old kids clean up fireworks detritus so fast in my entire life. But then, I'd never seen a 10 month pregnant woman move that fast, either. Gaia rocks and she could still beat you in a footrace.

Sssssssssssssmokin'
Salome