Hello There!

It's been WORLDS since I last sat down and updated this. I've got letters upon letters (and some of them are sorely needed).

I did some traveling. It is clear that my people need letters from me.
It is also clear that the world is full of people that are not my people. My people would never behave in such ways.

Let's begin....

Dear Ladies from England Wearing Size 34 Bikinis,

There is absolutely no call for this type of horror. On behalf of me, and the tender stomachs of those I traveled with, please put yourself away. The glare alone off the pool from your thighs is giving me sunstroke. I have the sense to at least cover up in a one piece, you should be so sensible. I appreciate and am somewhat jealous of your general joi de vivre, however, I appreciate and intend to keep using my retinas.

Get Thee a Coverup,

Salome

We went to a resort in Cancun, Mexico. YES! Cancun! Did you watch the news about Hurricane Dean? WE DID. We were barricaded in our room for 12 hours in anticipation of Dean, which turned out to be nothing, and the hotel stopped serving alcohol for approximately 31 hours. Yes, I was counting. Yes, Salome fans, I was totally pissed.

OUTRAGED, in fact.

Dear Mexican Government:

Kind Senors and Senoras. Por Favor. I am but a tourist in your majestic land. I am here for the beaches, the sun and the blue skies. I have paid my American dollars towards your tourist industry, and let's all agree, shall we? That is all you have going for you at the moment. You need me, and I need you, a place to spend my hard-earned American dollars and drink myself silly. Right? We're all friends, my friend. Mis Amigos. I understand that for a large majority of any country's population, the thought of unrestricted alcohol in the face of a natural disaster would make a government uncomfortable. But my American ancestors were Irish, sirs, and I think we both know what that means. If you want me to be of any assistance in the face of a natural disaster, you'd better have a drink waiting. Prior to asking me to do anything, and immediately upon my doing said requested thing. For you to take alcohol away from me for over 24 hours (31! Treinta y uno! Dios Mio!) was cruel and unusual punishment in the extreme.

I will Not Hurricane in your Province Again,

Salome

The Resort was gorgeous, the company was superb, and relaxation was had by all. When I say that the company was superb, I mean that the company was SUPERB. I've talked about Lakshmi and DB, and we had their awesome daughter with us, too. Lakshmi and I are old soul friends. There is nothing we can't encounter together and not have fun. She was even cool when I was sneaking tequila shots when the bar was closed (Because please, everyone, I'm Irish! Did you not think I would find alcohol when none was offered? Pshaw!)

I'll tell you what: If you ever find yourself at a resort with a Category 5 Hurricane bearing down on you? You'd better hope that you are with DB and Laskshmi. They are quite simply two of the most fun people I've ever encountered, and I consider myself insanely lucky to have made their acquaintance. I'll write more about them later, but have I told you about the flight home yet?

Dear Woman with the Screaming Child for the 5 hour flight from Charlotte, NC to Seattle, WA:

Oh my fucking god. Oh my fucking GOD! Your child SUCKS! You know it, and you can be damn sure that the 100+ people on this godforsaken flight know it, too. But I have a few tips for you, should you be interested, and if you don't want to get the snot beat out of you in the airport parking lot (am I right 23A? 21C? You're with me, right? Damn Straight!) you will sit BETWEEN your two children on the flight. In fact, here's a short list of things to remember next time you fly with that unbelievable fucking hellion:
1. If she wants something, goddamn GIVE IT TO HER.
2. If she doesn't want something, GODDAMNIT TAKE IT AWAY!
3. TYLENOL
4. VALIUM
5. LOLLIPOPS
6. Anyfuckingthing to get her to stop screaming for the 5 hours would have been appreciated while you sat on your ass and read your US Magazine. In fact, I would have reenacted the entire magazine for you with SOUND EFFECTS had you just had the sense to set it down and FIND OUT WHAT THE FUCKING PROBLEM WAS!

Glaring at You from 23B,

Salome

So I don't know.....I really needed this vacation. I had gotten to the point at work where any request for me to do my job, the thing that they pay me to come in and do every day was just such a CHORE, you know? When everything that you need to do in your life to have a house, and a marriage, and two cats, and everything had just gotten to the point where I was so tired, and so fed up. And so done. I was just done with everybody asking so many things from me.

What I needed was to lie in the sun with cool chlorinated water very close by, for the dunking and dipping as necessary. I needed really strong frozen margaritas and people that make me laugh heartily. And I had that, for 6 out of the 7 days that we were in Cancun. And for that one day, the only component I didn't have was the frozen margaritas.

And on the first day I was back, it was my 33rd birthday, and the Pope's 36th birthday, the same day, as most of you know.....I had a great, relaxed, glad to be back kind of day. But I missed Lakshmi. I missed that morning greeting with her. I missed the glances, the inside jokes, the things that made us laugh on the trip, known to just the two of us. I missed DB's endless good nature. He never got annoyed or irritated. I missed the heat. (Yes, traveling buddies, I was freezing when we got back to Seattle) Who would have thought I would have missed the endless rivers of sweat that fled down my temples and settled in the crook of my bra. My shirts smelled like pee when I got back. Was that just me?

I stood in the clearing of a major Mayan historical site. One of the new Seven Wonders Of the World. It was so fucking hot, and I was such a landwhale, I couldn't get into the mystique and the history.

It is late, and that is enough for know.

Stay tuned for more updates - I might go crazy and do dailies! Woo! There is no baby to see pictures of, but if you go to www.clanbuchanan.co.uk you will see the most beautiful little girl that has ever been born, I mean, honestly, isn't she just striking and gorgeous? And you can get her mom's updates on being a first time mom, which I find charming, hilarious and very enjoyable. It is a site I now check daily.

Enjoy, everyone, I'll be back with a force in the coming days, and you tell me whether that is such a good thing. Could I swear any more?

Yes, yes I can and I enjoy it, so get ready and stay tuned. I've got BUCKETS of letters to share with you.

Salome

I Can Kill Time and Opportunity Like No One Else

The Pope has been on a business trip since late Sunday night. I had such plans for these four days alone, you have no idea.
This is what my plans were:

Goal Monday: Write Paper - Work Out - Clean House
Actual Monday: Stressed and Non-Productive all day, came home, read book on couch until waay too late.

Goal Tuesday: Write Paper - Work Out - Clean House - Return Sonicare heads (HATE THAT THING) - buy clothes for trip
Actual Tuesday: Was up late reading, stressed at work - came home and finished book on couch - started another.

Goal Wednesday: Write Paper (Goddammit!!!) - Work Out - Clean House - Return Items - buy clothes for trip - Go to Costco to get book Lakshmi recommended.
Actual Wednesday: Wrote first draft of paper (thankgod) - watched Top Chef - vacuumed at midnight - sat on couch reading new book until very late.

Goal Thursday: Finish Paper and send to peers for review - Work Out - Clean House (because if you break it into four days, you're not a maniac scrambling around and sweating profusely, you know??)
Actual Thursday: Finished paper and sent to peers for review - CLEANED MY MANIAC SWEATY ASS OFF

I'm actually a little distressed. It seems I am entirely incapable of being productive. I actually killed some time on Amazon last night, searching for books to help me be more productive, instead of actually being productive. Fascinating, isn't it?

I have not lost the weight I wanted to by August. This is only the goal I made last September. So I'm about on target to be thin by my death. I lose about 12 ounces every 2 years. I might actually be ahead of the game. Of course, for every 12 ounces I lose every two years, I gain about 37 pounds a minute, just by breathing the air that food was once fragrant in. Do the math. Have you ever seen that movie Gilbert Grape? Yeah, that's probably going to be me.

But you know what? I give up. It isn't happening with all this not-trying I've been doing, and clearly freaking out about it and stress-eating isn't going to work, so I'm just going to be happy being soft. My face will look younger as I age that way.

So, come next Wednesday morning, I'm going to whale myself out onto that beach and burn myself to a crisp. Hopefully there will be people from Iowa at the resort, because you just KNOW they're going to be fat.

I remain,
Corpulently yours,
Salome

Husband on Business Trip: Day One

The Pope is on a business trip.
So far I have overslept by 2 hours (the volume was turned all the way down! Dammit!)
Used 37 dishes - I can't believe it, I don't know how I've done it, especially since all I've eaten is a bottle of wine!

I have also taken out the trash and cleaned the cat litter.
I have kissed Leo 43 times, and told him that Daddy will be home soon.
Leo has decided to hibernate for the week, leaving the bed only to eat and then go back.

There are two big trips coming up, and I'm not going on them.
Which partially makes me nervous, and partially relieves me, because I'm tired of the work traveling at the moment.

People I Love

Loved Ones Clockwise L to R:

Grandma
Mom
Salome
Godmother

Written the Day After I Met Him

I am poised on the rocks
a forbidding muted coast
visceral
and shivering.

I am not scared.
It is not cold.

And somewhere a tiny girl runs through a meadow filled with flowers
promise all around her
and laughter
everywhere.

I think of you as if made of art
and I would defile you
smudge you
with my inelegance.

You are very beautiful.
intricate
fractured
passionate
strong

Even my words are daunted
adjectives rendering themselves inadequate
flying from my mind, gathering behind my head
peeking out to discover if you are real.

Because I’ve been at this beach,
stripped raw
before
and STILL.

And I am sure that no one like you has ever come by….
So you must be lost, friend.

To find me here,
shivering
now stunned.

But I am not scared.
It is not cold.

And somewhere I’m a tiny girl, flying through the fields of

THIS.

-1/22/04

Funkytown

Can't write anything now. I'm in a funk.
Not a depressed funk, an irritable one. Everything sets me off, I'm too busy to do anything well, and I find that at the end of the day I've accomplished nothing, so what am I busy doing?

My mind and emotions are whirling.

Can't get anything out in a coherent manner. Everything I try to communicate on has terrible mechanical/electronic issues, I feel like the entire world is telling me to shut up.

Vacation coming up, really looking forward to it, hopefully I'll write more soon, but right now I don't want to talk.

I just don't want to talk to anyone right now.