I Can Kill Time and Opportunity Like No One Else

The Pope has been on a business trip since late Sunday night. I had such plans for these four days alone, you have no idea.
This is what my plans were:

Goal Monday: Write Paper - Work Out - Clean House
Actual Monday: Stressed and Non-Productive all day, came home, read book on couch until waay too late.

Goal Tuesday: Write Paper - Work Out - Clean House - Return Sonicare heads (HATE THAT THING) - buy clothes for trip
Actual Tuesday: Was up late reading, stressed at work - came home and finished book on couch - started another.

Goal Wednesday: Write Paper (Goddammit!!!) - Work Out - Clean House - Return Items - buy clothes for trip - Go to Costco to get book Lakshmi recommended.
Actual Wednesday: Wrote first draft of paper (thankgod) - watched Top Chef - vacuumed at midnight - sat on couch reading new book until very late.

Goal Thursday: Finish Paper and send to peers for review - Work Out - Clean House (because if you break it into four days, you're not a maniac scrambling around and sweating profusely, you know??)
Actual Thursday: Finished paper and sent to peers for review - CLEANED MY MANIAC SWEATY ASS OFF

I'm actually a little distressed. It seems I am entirely incapable of being productive. I actually killed some time on Amazon last night, searching for books to help me be more productive, instead of actually being productive. Fascinating, isn't it?

I have not lost the weight I wanted to by August. This is only the goal I made last September. So I'm about on target to be thin by my death. I lose about 12 ounces every 2 years. I might actually be ahead of the game. Of course, for every 12 ounces I lose every two years, I gain about 37 pounds a minute, just by breathing the air that food was once fragrant in. Do the math. Have you ever seen that movie Gilbert Grape? Yeah, that's probably going to be me.

But you know what? I give up. It isn't happening with all this not-trying I've been doing, and clearly freaking out about it and stress-eating isn't going to work, so I'm just going to be happy being soft. My face will look younger as I age that way.

So, come next Wednesday morning, I'm going to whale myself out onto that beach and burn myself to a crisp. Hopefully there will be people from Iowa at the resort, because you just KNOW they're going to be fat.

I remain,
Corpulently yours,
Salome