Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Correspondence File: 1/13/09

Dear Lady at Target with the Open-Mouth-Coughing Kid:

Give me a break, lady! I've got a three week old here! One of the reasons we are at Target right now instead of Walmart is that I can't expose her to that level of degradation yet. And here you are with your kid that is coughing continually, open mouth and all. Just spewing all kinds of illness around everything, like a firehose of germs.

And you're following me!!

Like a homing missile petri dish, just everywhere I go I hear that KOFF KOFF KOFF and see your kid hacking all over everything. We are trying to keep out of your way, but the goddamn stroller turns like a palsied flamenco dancer* and this is our first trip to a store with the baby and we're one big cluster-you-know-what.

But seriously, get out of my baby's airspace or I'm going to full-body tackle you and your typhoid family and slather you with Purell.

In Good Health,

* turns out the stroller's front wheel was locked and I didn't know. I discovered this halfway through my first walk around our street with Auden. I reached down, fully prepared to bust the wheel in order to make it turn, and realized it had the lock set. Hee.


Julie said...


The other day my dad came over to set up the wireless router I got for Christmas and I had your blog open in my browser. He was quite confused: "What's, uhhh, Carch-, Charchadonna, Carcharodonna?!?" Then I had to explain that I'm a blog whore. :)

Anonymous said...

She's Back :-)


Anonymous said...

like a palsied flamenco dancer???

That is 10-ten best analagies ever!!! I can't stop laughing. Howling is more like it!


Anonymous said...

Totally spelled analagies wrong. Still think I'm spelling it wrong. I should stick to words I can spell without spell check.

Oh and I just corrected my spelling of the word spelling each time I wrote it. WTF?