Friday, January 19, 2007

Thoughts on a Friday

I made an iPod playlist called Girl Rock. (Not all girls rocking - but it was rock for this girl. This girl here. Me.)

Regina Spektor - Fidelity
Amy Winehouse - You Know That I'm No Good
Tegan and Sara - This is Everything (Live)
Indigo Girls - Romeo & Juliet
Lily Allen - Smile
P!nk - Stupid Girls (usually skip past this one - def a mood-specific song. Like where she's going with it, though. Wish more celebrities were going there, too.)
Outkast - Hey Ya! (because I've never owned and have loved it forever)
The Strokes - Between Love & Hate (this chorus is my motto)
Feist - Mushaboom (similar to the Regina Spektor, but came first and enthralls me)
Ani Difranco - Cloud Blood (again, lyrics on this one and how she plays with the combination of sounds blow me away)

The Regina Spektor song has a great chorus, where she plays with her voice while singing the line, "and it breaks my heart" over and over. The song is about love, but I hear this refrain and I think of Lauren, and it just so encapsulates (in a weird way I won't be able to explain to any of you, EVER) how I feel right now, and have felt since December 19, 2005, regardless of whether I'm talking about it or not.

You know, basically my whole life I've been heartbroken. I am constantly breaking my heart on people, things, trivial events that most people shrug off and go jogging over. And I realize how ridiculously sensitive I've been my whole life. Because when your four year old niece has a brain bleed that causes her to be unable to use her right arm (still not using it - everyone is worried) your heart fucking breaks for real. My brother is my brother and I am me. And neither of us has ever been perfect, or even nearly so. But my brother's genetics combined with my sister-in-law's produced what is as close to perfect (twice, because Camryn is a phenomenon, too) as I think I will ever see. And the fact that something so completely out of our control has happened to her, and that this something will make her life hard in any way, it kills me. It kills me and it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart.

I'm listening to it over and over and over and over and over. I don't know how many of you reading this know how I listen to music. When I hear a song that resonates with me, I listen to it over and over - hundreds of times in a row, until I know every lyric by heart, until I have so closely identified with the emotion expressed I may as well have written it myself. I listen to a song I like until I can pick it out in .35981 seconds of the first note.

I wish I wasn't such a complete idiot about HTML and could do fun stuff with my blog. I've attempted to alter the HTML code a couple of times with things I wanted to add, and am unbelievably unsuccessful. Which drives me batshit. I even have a book (admittedly not really talking about how to do things in Blogger) but STILL CAN'T FUCKING DO IT. I have seen songs uploaded and linked on blogs, but haven't the faintest clue how to do it.

I tried to figure out how to add something in the sidebar last night (with the book) and failed. Which sent me out to the couch with a big glass of wine - where I fiercely and quickly knitted a scarf for the cat.

Which, OHMYGOD. Please get me a life, STAT.

A girl that worked for one of my tenants knew I liked Tegan & Sara. She gave me a bunch of B-Sides, which thrilled me to no end, and one of the songs was the Tegan & Sara song above (but not live). I played it for my husband, and while he likes Tegan & Sara, he listened to this song, (the three times in a row he permitted me to play it aloud to him) and watched me listening to it, and said, "You're dark."

Is it bad that that brief statement gave me more pride than most compliments ever do?

It is true, don't be mistaken. It was just having it recognized, in spite of my often effusive and cheerful demeanor, that meant the most to me.

Again, with the tangents. I know. But hey! Those of you that are actually checking in with this have all spent a great deal of time with me at some point in our lives, and if you could follow my train of thought then, I expect it isn't too shocking now.

p.s. Scarf! After the apeshit destruction of scarf #1, I knitted another one in four days that I actually made no mistakes on and was able to finish off and give to the Pope. He doesn't wear it, of course, but it is a passable scarf. Vindication.

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