Oh, right, you don't know DB yet!!
Here is DB:
We were attending the 5:40pm showing of Spiderman 3, along with about 37 chattering toddlers.
NOTE TO MOTHERS EVERYWHERE: I did not pay upwards of $20 to listen to the nonsensical babbling of your (admittedly adorable) kids. GET THEE A BABYSITTER, before my eyeballs pop out of my head, what with all the glaring.
Anyway, I digress. DB had slept late. I wish DB would stop doing this, because it really hurts my efforts to shame the Pope out bed before 3:00pm on the weekends. A little help, here, guys!!
Oh, here's DB again:
Are you kind of getting a sense of this guy? No? Well, I'll elaborate a bit. He's the greatest guy. He is incredibly fun, intelligent, funny and good-natured. He's the kind of guy that you meet and you're just blown away with all the awesomeness. Adjectives fail him. He's someone that creates joy whenever he is around. Really, you should meet him. I'll give you his phone number.
He also buys drinks for anyone in a 3 mile radius, and that's never a bad thing. (Unless you're his lovely wife, Lakshmi. Or have boobs, because he can get FRIENDLY.)
So DB woke up just in time to scurry out of the house. He stopped in the garage and slipped on his shoes. He noticed somethng on the side of the shoe. It was sticky. He wiped it away a bit, and then they got in the car and drove to the theatre. As soon as DB put the shoe on, he thought, "my sock is all jacked up in the toe! Oh well, it'll work itself out." BECAUSE DB IS GOOD-NATURED. You see? Any woman would have immediately and irritatedly sat down and unjacked the sock, because women are not generally good-natured.
As they drove to the theatre, DB thought to himself that his shoe was really feeling tight. Maybe my foot swelled, he thought. Gout does run in my family. (No it doesn't, or I don't know if it does. I'm enjoying a bit of artistic license here.) He noticed it, but didn't say anything. He thought still that it would work itself out.
He and Lakshmi arrived at the theatre, and we proceeded into the RomperRoom viewing of Spiderman. While Lakshmi and I were trying to enjoy the movie, amidst all the glaring and shushing we felt compelled to do. We were the two bitchiest women in the theatre (as we are the two bitchiest women WHEREVER we go....) and it was our job, really, to educate the mothers on their lack of etiquette.
For the three hour movie, DB was exploring his shoe with his toes. "Wow, there's really something in there," he thought. "My shoe is really tight. There must be an extra sock in there. It isn't hard, I can push it with my toes, and get more room, but I've got to take care of this when we get out of here."
And then he smiled, as he always does, and watched the movie. Good-naturedly.
We filed out of the theatre, Lakshmi and I giving a very audible impromptu press conference on "rude fucking people everywhere" and she and I beelined for the bathroom. Did I tell you that Lakshmi and I are the same person, except she's smaller and prettier? Yeah, sucks for me, but what are you gonna do? At least there's a version of me out there that is hot.
As we were in the bathroom, DB and the Pope chatted about the movie. As the Pope was nattering on about the film, DB was fidgeting with that one shoe. While still in conversation, DB leaned down and took off the shoe, shook it (it rattled) and then he tossed the item out of the shoe and onto the floor. The Pope leaned down and said, "is that a mouse?? Is that a toy mouse?" The both leaned closer.
DB said, "Noooo, that would be a real mouse."
Lying on the hideous, Vegas-style carpeting of the movie theatre was a seriously managled, ripped up, bloody, dead mouse. And not a small mouse. I saw the mouse. It was gory, dead and a fairly normal sized mouse. That had been in DB's shoes for about 3 hours now. As he played with his toes, scrunched it to the top and wondered, good-naturedly, about what it could be.
Oh that sticky stuff? That would have been mouse-blood.
And with that, ladies and gentlemen, I introduce you to DB:
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