Correspondence File: April 2007

Dear Minivan Woman on Phone Stopped at the Green Light for 10 Minutes:

Bitch, PLEASE. I've been waiting patiently back here, but if you don't act soon I'm going to miss this light. And if I miss this light, then I'm going to miss the next light, and eventually you will have screwed up my entire commute into work.

And for that? I will follow you to wherever you are going and beat the shit out of you with that phone.

Move Your Ass,

Salome


Dear Guy at the Mac Store:

Hey, listen. We came here to buy tonight. I don't know if you were pissed that I turned down all the "add-ons" you guys are supposed to upsell, or what, but taking our order for the PC we wanted and then letting it sit in the corner of the store while you helped three different people and then flirted with that man and his daughter? HIGHLY ANNOYING.

You so don't let customers cut in front of other customers. You so so so don't want to do that with me.

Clearly you have not heard of me, but I guarantee you I will beat your ass with my new computer.

Fuming,

Salome


Dear Husband Away on A Business Trip:

Honey, I miss you. The cats and I are just knocking around this big empty house waiting for your return. I need you to come home and say things to me like that thing you said to me last night that was so special to me that I'm going to keep it private forever. I am trying to write my nasty letters but it is difficult because all that I am is suffused with the joy from you.
Come home soon, but I hope you sell your teeth out in New Orleans. Get it? Dental Convention? Teeth Out?

Yeah, I know, but you love me anyway.

My heart grows fonder,

Salome