At Devi's Request....

Belly Pictures!! I am 25 weeks pregnant today!

Discourse for the Modern Age

Although I am still amazed by Facebook, the novelty has worn off and I see it for what it is, a modern day communication system. People communicate by reading each other's typically one-line status updates, or by poking each other, sending gifts, etc. In this MTV era, where our concentration can only last past the next 3.2 seconds, this is a perfect medium. And I don't mean to slam it, because I've reconnected with so many college era friends that I was wondering about. I was able to gather more details about friends and some family through this, so that's nice. And I like that you can update at your leisure, you're not forced to have a correspondence with someone when you don't feel like it, which has always been the death of my friendships. Because I rarely feel like talking. I'm not sure why that is. I love to hear what's going on with people, but the retelling of my life stories has always bored me.

Right now, I spend my days in near silence. I talk to Lucy, or sometimes I'll turn on the TV to hear people talk, or if I'm out I'll talk to salespeople, but for the most part, I don't talk to anyone. I would have thought that would be perfect, but it is actually pretty stifling. So when the Pope gets off work, I chatter at him endlessly, until he gets irritated with me, barks at me, and leaves me crying all the way home from the store. And doesn't even notice.

I found a blog from an old boyfriend, who is in a polyamorous, open relationship. I have met his wife, who is an awesome person, a truly beautiful person, inside and out. I saw them a few times when I lived in Seattle and they lived in Portland. But I read his blog, and found entries of heartbreaks from broken side-relationships and it makes me wonder why anyone who has found a soul mate (because his reflections on his wife, child and their life sound very harmonious and special) would freely offer themselves up for the heartache and pain that encompass dating. I can't imagine the person that would date someone who is married with a child, whether or not the spouse approves. I suppose there are people out there that don't want the attachment of a mate, who just want a relationship of other determinations, and I should preface this entire comment by saying I have no idea the structure of my friend's open relationship, or what kind of relationships they each are involved in. I just remember how heartbreaking dating was, and how empty and unworthy my experiences within it left me feeling, and I can't imagine opting to continue that cycle. Even for someone who would be interested in talking to me.

Maybe that's the reason they seek outside company, to keep finding people that are interested in their old stories and observations, to make them feel beautiful and mysterious again.

The main thing I notice about my old college friends is that for the most part, they stayed in the area I knew them in, and they seem happy. And although I am happy about the upcoming baby, there isn't a whole lot else about my life that makes me happy at this point. Although I like our house and love the fact that family is close by, Sacramento is not the place for me. I don't like not working, but the thought of going back into commercial property management again at the end of this makes me a little sick to my stomach, I truly do not want to do that anymore. There were things I was interested in at one point. And out of most of my friends, it seems like only I have abandoned them entirely for stability, money and god knows what else I abandoned my dreams for. Influence of others? Probably, as ashamed as I am to admit that.

Faceous

I joined Facebook yesterday morning and subsequently sucked the whole day dry of any potential.
I sat on that damned site all morning long looking up random people from my life and.....I FOUND THEM. Totally odd weird people that I would never expect to be hooked up to an internet friend site. Bizarre. I was also found by people, within an HOUR of logging into the system, high school friends found me and asked me to be their friends. Wonderful feeling.

Today I am going to be productive.

Just as soon as I get done posting this and drinking my coffee. ;)

Hot Time In the Old Town Tonight!

It is 12:22pm in the Sacramento Area and the temperature is 75 degrees.
For the last three weeks, there has been an endless blue sky and shining, hot sun.

What a change from just over one month ago when all we had to look forward to was perhaps a few hours or a weekend of sun from our rainy home.

Today is Saturday, August 23 and I am 34 years old today.
My husband, the Pope, has turned 37 today.

A shared birthday makes for somewhat odd bedfellows. I recognize so many of my own traits in my husband's decisions, outbursts and general way of life. Luckily, we are also very different, he is far more temperate than I am, and not as prone to anger or anxiety as I am.

He is usually depressed about getting older and grouchy on his birthday, while I am generally happy and content on mine. My twenties were no great shake, I have no desire to hold onto youth, and I am (so far) welcoming crows feet (because it shows I laugh) and creaks and groans (because it makes me slow down a bit) that accompany getting older.

We also received some other good news this morning. For the last week we've been negotiating on a new offer on our house.
The last go-round of the counter offer was accepted and we have a deal.

Although we are elated to have the pressure of this house off our backs, we have lost a significant amount of money on this deal. We will walk away with a small amount of money, but overall lost almost all of our equity and down payment. Down here in Sacramento, however, most people are living in houses which in the last year have lost over $100k in equity. The market in Sacramento was hit harder than any other area in the nation (to believe the newspapers and homeowners). I believe them. There are hundreds of new developments, most neighborhoods sitting empty or being overrun by renters. Beautiful, brand new homes turned into rentals for more than one couple. We rented in a nice, more expensive neighborhood to avoid this trend.

We spent more money so that we could see things like we saw last night: A woman walking with her just barely toddling daughter. We waved and she waved back. The neighbors next door that we haven't met have a tiny baby inside, as evidenced by that tiny baby cry we hear.

So things are good, and looking up on the start of this 34th year of my life. We have a new baby coming in four months, which we're delighted about. We have a nice house with friends and family very near by. We have plans tonight with a couple that we love to see.

I am feeling good.

Better

Yesterday we got internet and cable. Today we get our washer and dryer.
I am slowly climbing back into humanity, it feels.

My mom arrived yesterday and the sight of her lifted my heart like you wouldn't believe.
It is impossible to be unhappy with my mother around you.

She is just joy encapsulated.

So she is here, and Sears for some damn reason called me at 7:26am to confirm the delivery of our washer and dryer, so I am up drinking a cup of coffee and watching Women's Gymnastics recaps on Comcast's On Demand feature.

I love television.

I love internet and I love my Mac.

I'm BACK.
And I'm retired, so I'll try to blog every day. And hey, I'll start trying to make them interesting again! Woo.

Sort of Back

I'm sort of back.
That is, I can get online after my husband is done working for the day.
But by that time I feel as if I've missed the day.

I've been tired the last two days and my dreams are still full of anxiety.
I wake up feeling worse than I did when I went to sleep.

My mom has booked a ticket to come out to see me this weekend.
At the age of 33, nearing 34, and expecting my first baby, I can safely say that I need my mom.

Tomorrow I'm off to babysit my darling nieces, who always cheer me up.
I'm lonely and stressed and tired. I'm very very tired.

The heat in Sacramento is unending. It saps the very soul right out of you.
As much as I wished for no rain, I did not wish to be fried everytime I walked outside. We've let the cats out and they usually come right back in. They are obviously still Seattle cats.

Although Lucy senses that something is wrong with me. She doesn't leave my side, and spends every available moment clinging to a part of me, purring and squeaking at me. I think she's trying to tell me that everything will be okay.

I certainly hope so. It is time for some things to start being okay.

Maybe once the baby is born I won't feel so desperately lonely.