Friday, August 29, 2008

Discourse for the Modern Age

Although I am still amazed by Facebook, the novelty has worn off and I see it for what it is, a modern day communication system. People communicate by reading each other's typically one-line status updates, or by poking each other, sending gifts, etc. In this MTV era, where our concentration can only last past the next 3.2 seconds, this is a perfect medium. And I don't mean to slam it, because I've reconnected with so many college era friends that I was wondering about. I was able to gather more details about friends and some family through this, so that's nice. And I like that you can update at your leisure, you're not forced to have a correspondence with someone when you don't feel like it, which has always been the death of my friendships. Because I rarely feel like talking. I'm not sure why that is. I love to hear what's going on with people, but the retelling of my life stories has always bored me.

Right now, I spend my days in near silence. I talk to Lucy, or sometimes I'll turn on the TV to hear people talk, or if I'm out I'll talk to salespeople, but for the most part, I don't talk to anyone. I would have thought that would be perfect, but it is actually pretty stifling. So when the Pope gets off work, I chatter at him endlessly, until he gets irritated with me, barks at me, and leaves me crying all the way home from the store. And doesn't even notice.

I found a blog from an old boyfriend, who is in a polyamorous, open relationship. I have met his wife, who is an awesome person, a truly beautiful person, inside and out. I saw them a few times when I lived in Seattle and they lived in Portland. But I read his blog, and found entries of heartbreaks from broken side-relationships and it makes me wonder why anyone who has found a soul mate (because his reflections on his wife, child and their life sound very harmonious and special) would freely offer themselves up for the heartache and pain that encompass dating. I can't imagine the person that would date someone who is married with a child, whether or not the spouse approves. I suppose there are people out there that don't want the attachment of a mate, who just want a relationship of other determinations, and I should preface this entire comment by saying I have no idea the structure of my friend's open relationship, or what kind of relationships they each are involved in. I just remember how heartbreaking dating was, and how empty and unworthy my experiences within it left me feeling, and I can't imagine opting to continue that cycle. Even for someone who would be interested in talking to me.

Maybe that's the reason they seek outside company, to keep finding people that are interested in their old stories and observations, to make them feel beautiful and mysterious again.

The main thing I notice about my old college friends is that for the most part, they stayed in the area I knew them in, and they seem happy. And although I am happy about the upcoming baby, there isn't a whole lot else about my life that makes me happy at this point. Although I like our house and love the fact that family is close by, Sacramento is not the place for me. I don't like not working, but the thought of going back into commercial property management again at the end of this makes me a little sick to my stomach, I truly do not want to do that anymore. There were things I was interested in at one point. And out of most of my friends, it seems like only I have abandoned them entirely for stability, money and god knows what else I abandoned my dreams for. Influence of others? Probably, as ashamed as I am to admit that.

No comments: