Thursday, November 06, 2008

Under Pressure

I wake up in pain. Every morning, no matter the position I'm in. My back recently, aching. For weeks now, my hips, or one hip, or my knee. My hands have been numb in the morning for months. First just the thumb through middle finger of both hands. Now one entire hand is numb, either hand, each hand, one per morning. Sometimes it is two hours before the feeling comes back.

But every morning, I wake up and feel like a car accident was survived during the night. For a few minutes, I grimace quietly and try to shift appendages, to release the tension and get the pain away. Usually at this time it is just barely light out, the husband and the cats have been sleeping soundly. Lucy is attuned, she knows when I wake up, and her stuttering, crackling purr usually starts up within a minute. Just saying, Hi Mom. If I look over, there are her green eyes, peeking at me over the covers, smiling sleepy at me these first moments.

Sometimes I can't imagine the love I'll feel for this child, because the love that swells and lifts me bodily when I look at Lucy is frightening enough in its intensity.

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