Monday, March 19, 2007

This one is for all of you, but primarily....


After my most recent post, Lakshmi called me to tell me that the post made her want to cry, and she called to say that I could always call her, anytime, for any reason, that she is always here to talk. That she is always there for me to call to talk to.

I listened to her message and I was so touched.

And yet.....

I would never call any of you to tell you that I am down. It is simply not the way I am wired. I live with a man who would like nothing more than for me to tell him when I am down, and yet still, I cannot do that.

What I do when I am down is retreat within myself. Probably the only creatures I will talk to when down are my cats. And yes, this is sad, and this is insular, but I don't want to burden anyone, and I find that unless I write something down, I can't even make sense of it in my own head. So it is far easier for me to talk you guys on this blog, which you can read, or choose not read, at your leisure. Because the only way I feel like I express myself clearly is through the written word. So I will email you all day long, but will not get on the phone to say Hi.

BUT. Regardless of whether or not I will call you, I'd like you all to know that you can call me. When YOU are down, or frustrated. I think so highly of all of you that I would be the first to want to tell you how wrong you are to think poorly of yourself, and how crappy the world is that may treat you bad.

You would just need to say, in the message you leave (because I NEVER pick up the phone) or the email that you just need to say that you need to talk to me. That you need this for you, not for me. Because I won't return a call of concern for me, but if I hear that you are in need of something, I will burn all phone lines to get to you.

Because I will jump over tall buildings, I will put out fires with my tongue, I will massacre legions of armies just to get to you all and make you feel better.

You are my friends. I would do anything for you.
Each and every one of you. I would do anything for you.

I hope you all know that.

And maybe it is time for me to crawl out of my 32 year old hole and ACT like I'm that person for you. Because I really am. Should you need anything, I would give it to you.

Should someone hurt you, I would want to hurt them back. Should something bring you down, I would listen for hours about this thing and we could go through it together.

The one thing I really am is snobby. And my friends are the best people on earth.
I know this for a fact. A fact I'm very willing to argue and very capable of arguing.

A fact I'm MORE than able to prove.

I have very few friends, because I choose them so selectively. Not saying that I'm the benchmark you should feel good to be in, by any means, because, Hello, we've all been reading this and I'm no big fucking catch, right?

But I have only so few girlfriends, because so few are worth having.

And all of you reading this, to me, are worth having.

Love you guys, but especially Lakshmi, so named because she is more beautiful than you could ever imagine. And she's funny, and she's so smart and and she's dark at heart, too.

She's my friend.

And, like, I'm totally not kidding. She is REALLY beautiful. It sucks. Because once again, one of my close friends makes me feel like a linebacker, every time I'm around her. (This is shades of my experience at UEA when I hung out with the incomparably beautiful Xela.)

1 comment:

Alex said...

you are crazy with that last part!

i'm glad to hear that you are doing better. i was quite worried after reading your last post, especially since i know how it feels to be that down and in a hole that seems like it goes to the center of the earth. i don't really like talking to people about stuff, but going to therapy helped me so much.

anyway, once i get this move out of the way, i will starting emailing for real (since i hate talking on the phone too).

hang in there!!!!!!!!!!