Thursday, February 01, 2007

Catching up on my correspondence....

Dear Man in Seat 12C:

Thank you for reclining your seat as far back as possible on this 2 hour flight from Colorado to Seattle. I appreciate your consideration, especially since United has the least amount of leg room I've ever flown with. Further, thank you for not believing you were reclined all the way, and repeatedly throwing yourself backward in your chair, and crashing into my knees with each throw. I couldn't appreciate that more.

The next time I fly with you, sir, I intend to purchase the seat in front of YOU, and batter your knees bloody as often as I can.


Dear Middle-Aged Couple at TCBY in Denver Airport:

Listen, folks, it doesn't take 20 minutes to order frozen yogurt. I appreciate that you think of each other as "cute," and let me tell you, repeating it for the entire 20 minutes while the line behind you grew 15 people deep, well, that was CUTE. Totally cute. So cute that my teeth hurt, and sugar poured out of my tear ducts. I could have invented yogurt in less time than it took you to order one large Old-Fashioned Vanilla swirled with Juicy Orange Sorbet. Yes, that's right, two spoons. No, two spoons. See, there are two of us, and we're so CUTE. Hey, we got our yogurt, honey! I'm going to rearrange my wallet right here, right now, while the angry young lady behind me is trying to pay. Because I'm cute.

Salome (the angry young lady who sighed loudly at the contents of your wallet)

Dear Lady Behind Me On The Plane With the Really Annoying Laugh:

You're not funny. Whoever you were sitting next to? Not funny. Nothing could possibly be so funny that you had to laugh that godawful laugh where you trilled up to a closing, "Ha Ha HAAAAAAA!" every thirteen seconds for a two hour flight. I appreciate your general sense of good humor, trust me, I do. If you've read my correspondence file, you'll see that I could use a bit of good humor, in the general sense, in my life. But while I appreciate that you are FUN! and you really think things are FUNNY! I was in agony listening to you. I hated you so much that I sat in my seat, knees bloodied, and thought of ways to cut out your vocal cords with the items commonly found on airplanes. I sincerely regretted the fact that you can't bring explosives on board, because I wanted nothing more than to stuff you full of bombs and set you off. I fell asleep and dreamt of leaping over the three rows that separated us and ripping out your tongue with my bare hands.

Happy Travels,

Dear Contact in My Left Eye:

I have no idea what I've ever done to you that makes you want to hurt constantly for two days straight. I'm merely trying to see, and go about my life supressing an extraordinary amount of anger. Your tiny little pain spot in the left arc of yourself is present upon every blink. You have travelled up into my eyelid 15 times since I put you in one short month ago. I would throw you out and replace you, but your right eye counterpart is fine, and I am cheap. Please have the courtesy to get your fucking act together.


Dear Inexplicable Facial Breakout:

What the fuck?
I mean, seriously, what the fuck?
I'm serious. What the Fuck?

I Hate You,

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