Monday, January 28, 2008

Breaking the Waves

No sleep last night, and that's a first for me.
Typically I toss and turn until about an hour before my alarm goes off, and then I fall into a dead slumber, where hordes of (herds of?) elephants can come thundering over me and I won't wake up. Not at all, until I've overslept far too late to pass it off as traffic, a bridge or needing gas.

There are some times you wake up so late that you have to go into work and say, OHMIGOD I just totally overslept! I guess I didn't set my alarm (lie)! or my personal favorite, My husband must have hit my alarm by mistake (TOTAL lie). But I can do exasperated and comically frazzled like a pro, and I typically leave 'em laughing when I'm through.

So, hey, I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted and I just got done working a 9 hour day.
By the time I was done, I was so focused on what I was doing that I was practically drooling.

But I had a couple of cool, brain-wiggy thoughts today and I'm going to share them.

1. When it is really cold outside, really really cold, you can tell, just by looking out the window. That blows me away. Like the whole world and everything in it just hunches in on itself, to withstand.

2. I think a pair of crows on my street are dating. They were just strolling down the street, screeching amicably to each other. It was cute for a second and then I remembered that the crow is like the pigeon's drug-addict thug older brother. And so I honked at them.

And now a couple of letters gathered from over the weekend.

Dear Lady Who Freaked Out on Saturday When I Parked Too Close To Her Car,

Let's establish a few things. ONE: I am not the lady you EVER want to piss off, by being a snivelly and coddling little puss about her Audi. Listen bitch, if I had wanted or tried to hit your car, you'd be driving a Matchbox right now. I have that kind of anger. As it was, you picked a really shitty time to confront me. I've got rage upon rage boiling here, and nowhere to unleash it. I'm hurt, and I'm pissed, and I feel used and hosed and like no one has any idea what I've gone through so that EVERYTHING is perfect for them. And I mean the world, and I mean my cats and I mean my hair and I mean EVERY GODDAMN THING IN MY LIFE IS ASKING TOO MUCH RIGHT NOW AND I JUST NEED A FUCKING HUG OR A THANK YOU OR SOME GODDAMN THING. So when you moaned about your car and berated me for getting too close, when you knelt down and caressed and nearly cried over your untarnished grille, I snapped.
I shouted you up the street, I screamed at you to STOP FREAKING OUT, all the time losing my shit in a manner I am pretty sure you are unaccustomed to.

Which leads me to TWO: I didn't hit your car. I parked too close (an inch between) and moved it out of courtesy. I can't even look at this in retrospect and calm down about it, I am THAT grateful for the outlet to scream and strain my elbow flipping you off and making threatening motions like I was going to run after you and kick your ass. Don't take it personally, you just had the wrong lady, on the wrong day of the wrong year of the wrong life.

My inevitable bail fund can be found at:,

Dear Tiny-Sized Ladies Who REPEATEDLY put your hot little numbers in my XXL racks,

I swear to god, the next time I see one of you do this I'm going to grab the slinky little size 4 number and beat you to death with it on on the escalator landing of Macy's downtown. Or I might run screaming all the way to Arby's and order one of everything they have.

Or just break down and cry,

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