Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Warning: The Water is Filthy with Tangents

As you can probably tell by my most recent posts, I am in need of some serenity.
Serenity isn't something that comes naturally to me, unless I am here, like this, right now, writing everything down, but couching it, making it some type of story. Quantifying it, wrestling it to the ground, attributing it to something else, writing a letter to someone that bothered me, or generally, to someTHING that has annoyed me.

Or touched me, moved me, but those are rarer.

I have always been an angry person. Several therapists have tried to determine from whence this rage comes, all have failed. I have failed, myself, to articulate it to anyone.

I don't know where it comes from. I know I place high expectations on myself, I place them on others, I am an impossible friend, I am a frighteningly intense wife.

I am only being the person I know how to be.
But there are things that I do not say, there are things that get overshadowed by the aggression, that get flattened in the hurricane-force winds of my purpose and drive.

And I'm forgetting how to feel them and it is scaring me to death.

....and, truth be told, making me pretty angry.


Julie said...

Hey Salome. Sorry to hear your life is being shitty right now. I got in a car accident Jan 12 and I've been down, depressed, lonely, and not feeling like writing since then.

So odd that we're kind of on the same wave length.

I hope things start looking up soon.


Jonathan said...

It's funny - after a couple of weeks when I had no time to read blogs, I start trying to catch up and come across your post.

I used to live in a constant state of secret frustration, but it seems to have been squashed by the arrival of small children in our lives... I was just wondering this morning how well I am defending "my buttons" that the children are trying to push.

I remember watching a documentary some time ago about a comedy actor who writes really horrific horror novels under a pseudonym - he said it was the outlet for the dark thoughts.

In many ways my blog has become the way I vent the deeper thoughts, and make sense of myself.