Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Warning: The Water is Filthy with Tangents

As you can probably tell by my most recent posts, I am in need of some serenity.
Serenity isn't something that comes naturally to me, unless I am here, like this, right now, writing everything down, but couching it, making it some type of story. Quantifying it, wrestling it to the ground, attributing it to something else, writing a letter to someone that bothered me, or generally, to someTHING that has annoyed me.

Or touched me, moved me, but those are rarer.

I have always been an angry person. Several therapists have tried to determine from whence this rage comes, all have failed. I have failed, myself, to articulate it to anyone.

I don't know where it comes from. I know I place high expectations on myself, I place them on others, I am an impossible friend, I am a frighteningly intense wife.

I am only being the person I know how to be.
But there are things that I do not say, there are things that get overshadowed by the aggression, that get flattened in the hurricane-force winds of my purpose and drive.

And I'm forgetting how to feel them and it is scaring me to death.

....and, truth be told, making me pretty angry.





2 comments:

Julie said...

Hey Salome. Sorry to hear your life is being shitty right now. I got in a car accident Jan 12 and I've been down, depressed, lonely, and not feeling like writing since then.

So odd that we're kind of on the same wave length.

I hope things start looking up soon.

Julie

Jonathan said...

It's funny - after a couple of weeks when I had no time to read blogs, I start trying to catch up and come across your post.

I used to live in a constant state of secret frustration, but it seems to have been squashed by the arrival of small children in our lives... I was just wondering this morning how well I am defending "my buttons" that the children are trying to push.

I remember watching a documentary some time ago about a comedy actor who writes really horrific horror novels under a pseudonym - he said it was the outlet for the dark thoughts.

In many ways my blog has become the way I vent the deeper thoughts, and make sense of myself.