Thursday, May 17, 2007

Ah My Broken Heart

Finny, if you are still out there, there are a few things I need to tell you.
I love you. I have loved you since the moment I saw you and took you in my arms.
I looked down at you, you looked up at me, and that was it. I was your mom. And you were my baby.

I have loved every single minute of every single moment you were around me.
Even when you drove me crazy waking me up several times in the morning, I knew it was just because you wanted to hang out. Or have me let you out. Or have me feed you.

You did the funniest things. You said HI to us each time you came in the door.
You got spooked at plastic bags (because of that one time you got stuck in one when you were a baby).
You liked to have me rub your face for hours at night. I rubbed your face for hours. You curled into the cat condo even when you outgrew it, even when all we could see by looking in was a face and a tangle of feet.
You got lost that one time in the blackberry bushes? And I was on the other side picking berries, and you cried and cried and I kept saying, You're OK, You're OK, follow my voice Finny, and you followed my voice until I led you out of them. You were such a good helper in the garden. You helped us so much whenever we did anything. We miss your help, honey.
You used to run around the house at a full gallop, and then stop short and flick your tail, so happy with the speed and the space you had. You made me laugh out loud on a daily basis. You brought me dead things all the time, and I am so proud of your hunting prowess. You used to let Lucy lick you the wrong way against the growth of your fur, and you let her do this for minutes before you bit her, and honestly I would have bitten her much sooner. You got so big and still you were so loving. You would shove your face into Lucy and Leo's necks so that they could love you, and honestly they were terrified to do anything else, you were that big and rambunctious.

You climbed on everything - even the counters. You are the cutest cat I've ever seen.

I knew that there was a danger in letting you roam so freely. But it made you so happy, and I would do anything to make you happy.

Honey, I've looked everywhere. I've called your name for miles. I've put posters everywhere. I call the hotlines obsessively throughout the day. I really tried, honey. I miss you so much, and my heart is so broken. And if I knew where you were, I'd come there right now. No matter what. No matter what.

Finny, you were such a good boy. You were a very very very good boy.
And I loved you so much. And I'm so sorry I let you down and couldn't protect you from everything.
And I am so so so sorry I can't find you. I tried, baby. Honestly, I did everything I could.

Everyone is so worried about you. Everyone loves you so much. I just want you to know that you were/are? the best cat I've ever had, and I am just wrecked by this. I am just so truly and completely wrecked by this.

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