What is the Hardest

It isn't so much the worry, although I am worried, very worried, worried to tears, and from tears to headaches and from headaches to tequila and to a blissful, ignorant sleep.

It is the hope.
Hope kills me on a regular basis. It breaks my heart like the first time my heart broke, every time I come home and look expectantly at all his places. It breaks my heart while I daydream stunning rescues while I'm at work and then come home to nothing.

Today my heart broke when I looked at his favorite toy.
Then it broke again when I tried to garden, and tossed weeds that he normally would have chased, pounced on, and then dragged with him for a bit.

I'm going to get in an accident, because near my house I don't look at road ahead. I look at the roadsides, hoping yet not hoping that I see a flash of his fur.

I go on Petfinder and the LOST sites, trying to find someone who has him on their site, up for adoption, and I will speed over there and say, this is my baby. Give me my baby back.

I get an email from a lady asking if my cat has a orange mark on his face and even though he doesn't, I get all excited and email her a picture of Finny that shows a closeup of his face. She hasn't responded.

I look under the deck again for the 30th time, and I sit really still in the garden, listening for a quiet and desperate meow.

Finny, the irises are blooming now. And you would have liked that.
The birds are getting daring, they must know that you are away.

Finny, my heart is breaking every minute of every day. And I'm so sad without you.
Finny, the house just isn't the same without you. And your sister won't leave my side, even for a second, and I love her dearly but am so angry with her. Why didn't she save you? Why didn't she fight? She is meaner than the rest of us put together. She could kill with looks alone, and now you are gone and she isn't even looking for you. She just meows at me and sits with me and sleeps right between my legs, like everything is normal, like the whole world wasn't just tipped on its side and emptied into my heart.

Like the worst that could have happened didn't just happen.
Finny, this is the worst that could have happened to me. The worst thing ever.

And I love you so dearly, little man. I love you love you love you so dearly.