Tuesday, May 08, 2007


So I heard from a psychic that in order to feel serene and tranquil I need to spend more time in nature.
Being natural. Doing nature things. Gardening. Waha. Gardening!

For me, and this house built next to every fucking tree in Washington State that is designed by God to drop its leaves, gardening means a whole lot of the very relaxing "cleaning shit up."

I invite you all to watch me garden:

1. Stand on back porch surveying all that requires my attention.
2. Smoke cigarette.
3. Better get the iPod, neighbor is blasting oldies rock.
4. Go around the house to get gardening tools out of the garage.
5. Go back around the house to go inside the kitchen and through the hallway to open the garage door - because every other door is locked and you're an idiot who didn't open the garage door to begin with. Revise step one to include this in the future.
6. Get tools and arrange them on the back porch where you will get them when needed.
7. Go back and get the one thing you will actually use all day.
8. Skip this song, stupid iPod plays the same songs on shuffle all the time.
9. Bend down and greet the cats who are swarming around you, shocked that you are not on the couch with a bourbon.
10. Rake leaves.
11. Rake leaves.
12. Rake leaves.
13. Detest leaf dropping trees and wonder about ticks.
14. Is there Frontline for humans? Wonder this as you rake more leaves.
15. Bend down and greet Finny, who is desperately trying to help you in any way he can. OMG so CUTE! Sooo cute.
16. Gather up leaves and put in the.....?
17. Curse as you walk back around the house to get the yard waste bin. RIDICULOUS lack of planning.
18. Gather leaves and stuff into the yard waste bin. Push down to fit at least 7 piles.
19. Spill half the barrel as you tote it back around the house, across the street to dump down the ravine.
20. Smoke another cigarette.
21. Go inside the house to get some water. You're working pretty hard.
22. Walk over and clip dead flowers off of the planet of hydrangea that is growing at the edge of the deck. Any excuse to ignore the leaves for a bit.
23. See Finny stalking you in the creepy creek bed things and pull one up and toss it to him.
24. Laugh with delight as Finny jumps to grab the creepy thing and then looks expectantly back at you to pull up and throw him more.
25. Find seriously decomposed skeletal thing in the last pile of leaves to go into the bin. Think it is a cat. Go get the Pope to verify. The Pope is seriously skeeved, and suggests it is too brittle boned for a cat. Have distinct mental picture of coyotes puking up the neighborhood cats in your back yard. Which would be so RUDE. See a bone sticking perpendicular to the marshy bit, and because you have your dirty suede gardening gloves on, pull on the bone to reveal a decomposed wing. A HUGE stinky decomposed wing which makes your stomach hurtle towards your throat. Throw it in the yard waste bin and now know who belonged to all those large black feathers you cleaned up off the porch a couple of months ago.
26. Find Finny and gush over his prowess for a bit. Finny doesn't remember, but he loves you anyway.
27. Smoke another cigarette, thinking how one less crow is probably a good thing. Big mean birds might not come around here.
28. See Finny cavorting in the irises and are amazed that this goofy little guy can kill anything.
29. Wipe bead of sweat from forehead and freak out thinking it is a tick.
30. Rake leaves.
31. Weed the little starter weeds that were uncovered by cleaning the leaves.
32. Repeat as necessary until your muscles ache and it looks like you have actually done something.

1 comment:

CLP said...

For me, it's dig up tree, cut down tree, dig up weeds, and more weeds, and more weeds, then spray vegetation killer. One month later wonder how the hell you still have weeds when the product you sprayed claims nothing will grow for a year. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the large tree laying down in the back yard that I tripped over and tore my legs to shreds. Great - it's 90 and I can't wear shorts because I can't shave around that many cuts.