Friday Letters

Dear Guy Who Flipped Me Off This Morning:

I cut my driving teeth in California. That's Los Angeles to you, dickwad. You may have heard LA referred to as HELL-A before, and let me tell you why:

There is an extraordinary amount of bullshit driving that occurs in LA. You'd be surprised, no really, you would! I know you're from Seattle, and that's where stupid people drive nicely (an altogether horrid combination, if you ask me....) but I'm not from Seattle. There are drivers in LA that drive so as to PURPOSEFULLY hurt people, and police car chases and the whatnot. So really, learning how to drive in LA is learning how to drive aggressively and reactively, ALL THE TIME. No matter what you're doing. (iPOD be damned! I'll swerve and miss that person who flagrantly jumped on his brakes when the light four streets away turned yellow.) I know, you're not following me. That's okay.

What I am trying to tell you is that when your car came to a DEAD STOP on a busy off ramp so that you could honk and wave at your friend that was stuck in traffic, my teensy horn-bleat was a polite way to say that you're an imbecile who is going to get someone killed. The underlying subtext was, "Let's hope it's you." I did that admirably restrained beep only after stopping so short and so hard that my purse flew off the front seat and hit the glovebox hard enough that now they're married and my lipstick is on maternity leave.

Go fuck yourself,

Salome

Dear Perky Colleague That Freaks Me Out With Cheer:

Sweetie, chill. Your grin is making MY cheeks hurt. I think you may have been hatched from the pod in Stepford, and OMG that's totally AWESOME!, but you need to show a crack, or a bad mood or something.....you're waay too perky and it is fairly unsettling.

As we sat together during that company conference call, I was watching you for some electrical glitch (a repeated movement, a random blinking eye-lid) to confirm that you are a robot. Or probably a Scientologist. I had just reached for my water to throw on you to cause an electrical fire, when you reached up and picked at your right nostril.

AHA! Not robotic, just preternaturally nice. Let me leave you with these small words of caution:

Everything! Is! Not! That! Awesome! And! You're! Really! Kinda! Scary!

I am the antithesis of perky,

Salome