Monday, May 14, 2007

Don't Even Ask Me About Lettuce

So I am taking this supplement that my friend sells.
I "won" it in a raffle she held at her booth at a NW Mind Body Spirit show recently.
And by win I mean that I filled out the form with the understanding that if she could swing it, I was going to win. I believe that is the first raffle I've ever won. I'm not particularly lucky, unlike Lakshmi, who makes you want to scream with how many times she wins things.

But then again, she enters things, and I've heard that is a good start on the whole winning thing journey.

But I digress. My friend Gaia (she is a lovely, lovely, nurturing woman) has been taking this supplement for her entire first pregnancy and now through her second. She credits it for keeping both she and her son healthy, and for ensuring she never became as a big as a house.

That was pretty much all I needed to hear. The very day she dropped off the prize to me, I started taking it.

(UNLIKE MY FUCKING CANDLES. WHERE ARE MY FUCKING CANDLES? Don't throw a candle party and then keep the sales open for three months. That's ASININE, and now I don't even want the fucking things. I need instant gratification, and I need it right this very minute!)

Anyway. I started taking the supplement immediately, and I've been taking it every day religiously (except for two days this weekend, which I'll explain later).

And it is a powder that you mix with water and shake up and then drink. It has a bazillion fruits, nuts, grains, and good stuff for you. I will tell you exactly what in a second. I'm getting there, just be patient.

About three days after I started taking taking it, I noticed something odd. My stomach was having a little revolution issue. Revolting. Constantly. ALLTHETIME. UNCOMFORTABLY SO.

I know! Too much information, but then, you're reading my blog, so suck it. It has been a slow week.

So basically it is like this: I take the supplement. Then I eat something, and it is like throwing a food party. I invite all the food into my colon and then they get all out of control, and the music gets going, and someone breaks the fucking toilet tank (CLP!!) and I'm getting pissed and my other organs are trying to do their jobs and the fucking colon won't turn down the bass, and THEN. Someone calls the body cops and they come in and break up the party and it is all, "EVERYONE GET OUT. NOW! You're underage and you're drinking and we're gonna bust every last one of you!!"

So everything in my colon goes flying out screaming, "Damn, it's the pigs - everyone get out of here, dude hide the drugs, my mom will fucking kill me!!!"

I get just a brief rumble before news of the cop show arrives simultaneously to my brain and all pain receptors in my stomach. I've been no farther from a clean and well-smelling restroom than is absolutely necessary since I started taking these things.

So I got curious and really looked at the information packet. (I know, how stupid of me to take something w/o reading the actual ingredients!? I truly DON'T REALLY CARE! Unless I break into hives or turn orange or my stomach joins the communist party. You can ask me about all of the random and indefinable things I ingested in college if you are so inclined. I'm fairly daring when it comes to my body. It should be interesting when I'm in my 80's.)

What is in this stuff:
30 Antioxidant Rich Fruits and Berries (it tastes very berry)
30 Powerful Greens & Vegetables (like berry-flavored dirt)
11 Nutrient Dense Seeds, Nuts and Sprouts (I will admit to gagging down the last swallow)
83+ Active Enzymes and Fulvic Minerals (what is a fulvic mineral?)
22 Strains of Resilient Living Probiotics (WHAT? 22 STRAINS of RESILIENT LIVING THINGS?)

I think I know what is causing my stomach issues.
That must be like eating 357 cups of yogurt that have been left out in the sun all day.
I'm surprised I haven't ballooned into 400 pounds of "living things" and am now considered an amusement park for all various and sundry bacteria in my body.

They are resilient, and they are extremely territorial of their turf.
Which is my poor, oft-abused colon and lower intestine.

But that being said, I'm taking it again, once everything calmed down.
I think the resistant strains now know: Fuck with me again, and I won't let your friends emigrate. That's the kind of brain I am.

And I've been to India, and I've contracted Amebic Dystentery, which is a WHOLE 'NOTHER POST - one which I promise never to write.

22 Strains of Resilient Living Probiotics? Pshaw. You're child's play to me.

No comments: