Worrying About Carcinogens Causes Cancer!

I listened to a story on NPR this morning about the vast quantities of carcinogens in our everyday items. Everything is loaded with carcinogens, the plastic our food comes in, the shower curtains made from vinyl, kids toys (plastic or fabric) EVERYTHING!

I was goofing around on the internet today and happened upon an article of natural makeup, and the best natural deodorants.

* I have to interrupt my rant to tell you my experience with "natural" deodorant. In college, I was determined to eliminate the aluminum my armpits were choking under, and switched to the Crystal deodorant. It quite simply does not work, in fact, I think it adds a large quantity of "reek" to the body's natural mechanisms. I supplemented the crystal with Tom's Apricot Underarm Freshener, which, when applied to the crystal, made my armpits foam and smell like apricots. Until I even thought about sweating, in which case my foamy armpits REEKED. The lady reviewing the deodorants gave a pass on both the above mentioned items, except she had not tried them together. I should email her.

Everywhere you turn, it seems, someone is trying to tell you that whatever it is you are enjoying, or not enjoying, cancer lurks just beyond. So I have made my own list of what causes cancer, because we honestly don't know and these things need to stop:

• Snapping/Popping/Chewing Loudly on your gum CAUSES CANCER.
• Jingling Keys in your pockets when you stand up and talk to people CAUSES CANCER.
• Whistling has long been known to cause cancer in 9 out of 10 rats.
• Failing to Yield will cause instant death from an aggressive form of malignant irritability.
  
• Listening to country music causes cancer of the art-appreciation gene. Typically it can be removed, so you may then go on listening to the godawful warbling sap.
• Smoking causes cancer, yes, but telling me to put out my cigarette causes me to hate you.
• Tight jeans cause depression AND CANCER.
• High heeled shoes cause lumbar cancer but you will look gorgeous while dying.
• Exercising causes massive malignant tumors that can only be mitigated with lots of margaritas. It also causes your breasts to shrink which can cause depression usually associated with tight jeans.
• Asking me to do anything causes me cancer in my bitch-gene. Yes, it is hereditary.
• Yowling at me for no apparent reason, Lucy, causes cancer in the part of my heart that remembers to feed you on a regular basis. It does. I'll print out the study and show it to you.
• Computers cause cancer of the brain, and redirects you to Perez Hilton's site, overandoverandoverandover just to see if he's updated anything snarky.
• Stupid people cause cancer of my patience.

I hope these warnings have helped you.
Remember, everywhere you turn, cancer is waiting for you.
Right now they're saying a glass of wine a day is good for you, but tomorrow it might just be the thing that offed you. You would do well to follow my example: do not drink a glass of wine a day. Drink four.